untitled #3

I think it says a shitton about how I feel about you by the way that even the thought that you might be in the same supermarket as me, even if its absurd, is making me have a panic attack and I cant watch old videos that i made to "save the moment" because Im scared of the memories or how I have nightmares about you visiting my flat and coming inside although I could juat not let you in but I know myself, I know that i will do it just like last time when you came and stole a kiss you didn't deserve.
Or how I still keep your note and remember your face so dearly, how I cant hear certain songs without wanting to cry.
I dont know how to let go even though I should. But then again. Does it really matter.

What Are Friends For Me

when can you trust a person,
when can you call them friends,
when can you trust them.
Who will follow until your life ends?

I trusted you, with my life,
was about to put it in your hands,
at your mercy, at your will.
now I can see how far my trust bends.

I don't care about safety,
don't care about love or me.
I don't care if youre a good person,
or a evil devil wannabe.

I'll throw myself at you,
for the smallest shard of attention,
to fill the void inside of me,
but your love was a beautiful deception.

I cut myself open on it,
tearing through my heart and soul.
Bleeding and crying,
but not letting go.

Because I would rather die clinging to another person who is hurting me,
than to live with myself again.
Because I would rather let someone who I love destroy me,
than to face my own demons again.
Because I would rather get abused helping someone else,
than to help myself.
Because I would rather swallow my tears to hold you and tell you
"it's going to be okay",
than to face the fact that I am insane.

The Way I think Of me

A monster, a thief,
a terrible creature.
That isnt human,
luckily my kind is rare.

I hate myself, I really do,
have done that for a while.
I have tried running,
but only went one mile.

Before I dropped back to the floor,
my demons kicking, hitting me,
so I can't stand up once again,
there is no hope that I can see.

Just left to die,
in eternal pain,
barely breathing,
barely keeping sane.

But I am kept alive,
to punish me for my mistakes.
For how many eternities
will I be burning at the stakes?

Am I damned forever?
Or will mercy release my soul.
So that I can finally,
leave this world that is so cold. 

Lose Control

"Love is a sickness, an addiction, overdose..."  - Exo, Overdose

Expressing what I feel,
expressing what I want.
Showing my vulnarability,
being completely blunt.

How I want to trust you,
completely, without fear,
to be completely without walls,
just us two being near.

How I want to look into your eyes,
without that nasty voice in my head,
screaming at the top of its lungs,
about all what they have said.

About what happened in my past,
about all the times they wronged me.
About all the times that I let down my walls,
just to witness, just to see.

How trust got used,
how my little heart broke again,
how pain killed my love,
leaving cloud and rain.

Im so terrified of that,
that not even this love I feel,
can remedy what has happened.
On my heart  there is a seal.

I want to lose control,
open it, let it free, just be myself.
Just be free with you.
But I dont think that I can do it alone. 
Help me.

Enjoy the pain until I can die

"It's better for you",
I say before I close the path.
Tears glistering in my eyes,
my depression having its last laugh.

Completely alone,
"friends" who left me again,
cause i was too different,
for them too insane.

I mean, I deserve it,
in the end its my fault.
Now its time to enjoy this,
to pour salt in my wounds.

Here is what you get,
enjoy this sweet pain.
While I gather the strength,
to kill hope with rain.

Soon it will be over,
you can finally sleep.
That sleep that is final,
a thousand miles deep.

Just wait few more days,
few more weeks, just a bit.
Enjoy the pain a bit more,
until I finally call it quit.

My personality is asshole (cleansing this world)

Hiding behind harsh words,
I cover my heart to prevent upset.
Trying to survive the imminent threat,
not realizing my heart is dead.

A terrible little person,
a terrible big failure.
whose presence, talk,
or even hug, no one can endure.

Telling everyone that its just my brain,
that I am just that tiny bit insane.
But inside I know too good,
that I am the one to blame.

Hiding behind an excuse,
to be a terrible person consequentless.
Insulting people, masking it as jokes,
leaving my heart senseless.

Not human anymore, just a shell,
that only harms the ones it meets. 
I should shut up, but I keep going,
destroying every heart that beats.

I will stop, will make this monster shut up,
punish it for what it did,
make it relive all the pain it caused,
make it whine like a little kid.

Make it scream in agony,
make it bleed for all the pain.
Make it feel where it was empty,
make it human again.

Then I will release it,
to the final escape of death.
Regretting what it has done,
with its every final breath.

For that I deserve this agony,
for that I deserve this pain.
For I only did bad,
without me this world will be sane.

untitled #2

I bolt up when I look at the clock. Again I slept too much.
Used to having only a few minutes to get ready I jump out of my bed, starting to pick up some clothes from the ground just to decide to wear the same as yesterday. A quick glance in the mirror assures me to skip breakfast, as the fat aquired during the past few months could probably bring me through the next month or two without me even slightly looking thin.
I push my laptop in a bag, my keys in my pocket and I'm off.
Headphones blasting music in my ears help me to cope with the world around me while I feel like everyone is judging the fattie sitting on the tram with two bags.
As I arrive at uni I try to pick a place that hasn't too much people crowed there. I often succeed since no one wants to sit in the front, and so I spend the next two hours listening to mathematics that I already know, turning my pen around in my hands and checking my phone for messages that wont come because why would anyone text me?
When the class is over I slowly put my stuff away, bracing myself for the social interaction I am about to encounter, just to decide that today, I won't annoy anyone, that I won't waste anyones time with my existence.
I almost run to my next class, I catch a glance of the people who I spent my evenings learning with, hear their laughter and look at the ground so that no one can see the tears standing in my eyes again.
Weak.
I choose a place so far in the back that I most certainly won't see the blackboard but seeing it wouldn't change a thing anyways since I am just a stupid kid that won't achieve anything in life either way.
In the front I can see the back of the heads of people that I know. I would assume they are looking for me, but since I know how useless I am I am sure that they are relieved that they don't have to be around me today.
I barely listen to the lecture as I am trying to hide the fact that tears are almost streaming down my face. It's good that I picked a place this far back, no one is looking at me anyways.
After the lesson I freeze as my friends make their way up the stairs, ´before I hide beneath my table as they are looking around. I wait a few minutes until I am sure that they are gone before packing my stuff and quickly leaving, trying to think of a place where I can learn without bumping into anyone (aka annoying them). The library seems like my only option.
I quickly put my stuff in one of the lockers, only taking my folder and laptop, and hide myself for the next few hours between maths and science, desperatly trying to convince myself that I am not as stupid as I tell myself that I am.
Late in the evening I come home, after another exhausting tram ride full of people that were pressing against me. I pick something from the fridge, I don't even care, indulding myself in calories as my brain turns off for a bit. Thank god for eating disorders, although I'd prefer if I could purge but I don't wanna strain my relationship with my roommates even more. Maybe I should try throwing up in plastic bags again as I used to do at home and in my old flat, but where would I put that stuff?
So I just gain more weight, become more of a ball and hate myself more.
It's midnight when I am able to start gaming. Some people are online, I am talking, but I am constantly scared of someone getting mad at me, or even worse, me getting excited, happy and people muting me because I am just so annoying. It happened before.
I play shit, as perusual, ending in a depressed episode with tears streaming.
"I'm going to sleep, thanks for the games" I type in the chat before turning off Teamspeak, turning off the internet on my pc.
I know what I am going to do, it's obvious. But I try to delay it either way, staring at the silver metal laying beneath my computer screen. As I slowly grab it I catch a glance at my reflection in it, a fat face that is even more puffier due to crying.
As I place it on my skin, knowing that I deserve this pain, I cry once more only to be quiet and just feeling my deserved punishment.
I watch the blood pouring down my arm for a bit, if I even was able to get that deep, before trying to patch myself up, going to bed and falling asleep after crying some more, clutching my dog toy wanting it to be a human that could ease my pain for a bit.
But I am alone.
And always will be.