everything is not wrong

hi. it has been a while.

im 21 now. way too old. older than i ever thought id live. ive been fighting with my depression and am now on medication, to keep my serotonin levels up. since after years of pretending apparently i actually have a problem. or i always had. i dont know. im never sure about me. what aspects are just those that i want, those i imagine, those that my parents tell me that i am or those that my sick brain sees.

the drugs seem to work. ive finished half of university in just a bit of time more than usual. i still hate myself and think im not worth anything, but atleast i work. its not paralyzing anymore and as long as i dont think about it, its fine. just suppress it. fake it till you make it. the old drill.

normally during the days im pretty fine. unless somthing stressful comes up. but its 5 am and im still awake and then my medication starts to wear off i guess, or its the darkness or whatever, but i get way sadder.
ive been having trouble going to sleep at a decent time for a bit over a week now. maybe longer. but i just have these wonderful dreams and then i wake up and live is still shitty and boring. especially since i often dream of sacrificing myself, which is the ultimate goal of my sick brain, so it starts relaxing and accepting, and then i wake up and realize that it was "only just a dream", to quote a song.

its so upsetting that ive been avoiding going to sleep for far too much time. and then i sleep a lot and wake up at 6 pm. wasted days, that just make me even more depressed. like a nice demonic cycle of depression. a spiral almost. unhealthy, but its difficult to break it.
even though i have sleep medication, its not working as well anymore, so even though i used to be able to just take my meds and knock out, i cant anymore, so im just in bed, thinking, for too long about not nice things.


but hey, some positives maybe.
im still in a relationship with the guy from uni. a bit over a year now. it is very nice. he has his moods and quirks but i love him a lot. my head though, that motherfucker just tries to find every excuse to destroy my life. from things like "youre not good enough for you" to "he only wants the sex" to " you deserve better, he is too perfect" it just makes it very difficult to be happy. i cant really bring it up to him though, since he is just started warming up to me. it was very difficult for him to be just himself and careless and happy while i was very sick a year ago, so now that i am healthier, his personality florishes. and i dont wanna ruin it, he looks very happy.

yes very positive. im just writing this down as i think, which is probably not the best way to do this. but it porbably doesnt make any coherent sense, but i do find it nice to read. atleast i rly liked my writing style form a year ago, its so similar to my speech pattern that i feel like i have stagnated in this year. just stayed the same. boring old kid, that knows nothing of the world and just wants for all too end because its just soo much, so much that i cannot handle.

Life is overwhelming right now. Just a tiny bit overwhelming.
But im used to overwhelming challenges, from my dad always pushing me in sport and math/science department to me surviving with bulimia and sitting through entire scar treatments without making a sound.
Maybe itll go well. I dont know right now.
Ill just focus on uni for now. 

Love?

I've been looking for it for a while.
Wanna know how many love/sex partners I had in a year. way too much for me.
its a normal number maybe. idk how normal humans work, i can just speak for myself but its not me while it is exactly me.
i like to give. i like to make my friends happy. and when they ask for something they most of the time get it. even if i seem cheerful and motivated, that might just be fake because i feel like i have to do this for you. shitty, ik, and therefore i dont blame any of the friends for past years encounter. I actually dont blame any of my boyfriends. besides maybe amadeus because he broke down so fast and almost took me with him but i suppose i made him come out of his shell of cover and was the needle that broke the camels back.
Ayy look at aki doing the english.

last year was wild.
i started with a relationship that went actually pretty well, it was long distance but it was serious. until he started .. or me. idk anymore. we broke apart, he took it pretty well, and then i drove to the next boy, and i think after a day or so we kissed and had sex. ui thats me. idk about this one. we did not wanted a relationship because it would have been long distance so it was basically fwb but like idk. i dont like fuckin. i dont. its stupid and sweaty. i like cuddling though.
anyways, we went on my first roadtrip and my first vacation without my parents that isnt a science camp together. he paid for most of it and my dad wanted to repay him but i have asked him several times for something that i need to repay him and he hasnt delivered in 7 months so oh well.
after that he visited me regularily. it became relationshippy.
and especially when he would visit me while i had uni it made me extremely uncomfortable. because besides me already being in a shitty mood, void taking over most of the time, i couldnt even relax at home because humans. I dont know till this day why him being there was bothering me so much, we were good friends at the time and i genuinly enjoyed spending time with him.
But jonas realized what negative influence him being there it was for me and one day after the day before he semi forcibly took sex jonas decided to take the leaver.
Was it rape? no. it was more of a situation that i did not like sex but sometimes i would say no and then still give in and i guess that made my no invaluable. that was the first time i faked to come too.
But for jonas the situation was obvious and he was like send that guy home or ill go home with you and throw him out. so i did after crying a lot. he cried too. i think he had never expected such an outcome. that night while he was driving he texted me a lot of toxic things, like "i feel like im dying" or "i might crash this car and it would be your fault" but i spent the night at jonas place basically crying but i was safe.
the next thing didnt eeven happen a month ago. maybe it did. memories shit ya know.
i was talking to a friend about sexual fantasies, some dick sucking happend until void took over and i kinda just layed there naked with my face in balls. lovely times, i fuckin know. The boy is a good friend though, even now. we just click very good.
Then the threesome came. oh geez, how i regret this evening. the only time i did some sex without having any feelings for the other person/people. it wasnt bad, i liked being chocked while giving a blow job but i did get very drunk to forget most of the things that happened in the evening, including both of them pleasuring me and like .. no. im glad i forgot that for the most part.
Then the relationships started again. havent stopped being single for like 3 months although i have been with my current week only for exactly one week.
First online relationship. A guy i really enjoyed talking to until i realized that his world was gaming. a few games. he didnt have any other depth to himself. none. his personality was strictly gaming. but he is already in a relationship again so no problemo. although he did some toxic af stuff afterwards like accusing me of stalking his female friend which i wasnt, i was literally doing my job as a mod of a teamspeak but k i stalked her sorry i havent been on that teamspeak a lot since that.
Then came ollie. im saying his name. oh geez that manipulating bastard. that called me his woman and his wife before we even dated for a week. and i loved him. so dearly. but like, it was long distance. and he was zero affectioned online, barely talked to me in months, etc. when i asked him to stop he didnt say anything. it was a bdsm relatio9nship, so he controlled a lot of the shit that i did. wasnt allowed to color or cut my hair for example. or to cuddle with my friends and i fuckin love cuddling. so i broke that off 8 days ago i think. the next day i started dating my current boyfriend. yeah im a slut ik thanks for mentioning now stfu

and i dont wanna be a cheesy kid. i did say with ollie as well that it would be my last relationship, but i do think that that was influenced by the fact how often he fuckin called me that. how fast he was about that. how he wouldnt let me go. also he told me that i was just looking for reasons to seperate because im a shitty person and oh men he is an arsehole. "do you have another guy" yes i have but thanks for assuming that, now please be fuckin nice. your not 15. although i do think that he was that in his head. everything in his head was bodybuilding, gaming or singing. flat personality. good that i left him.

anyways, back to the current relationship.
ive known this guy basically the entire time at uni minus maybe a few months. and he was there for me, cared for me, was my guardian, took me to therapy, let me sleep over, we watched series together etc. he witnessed all the relationship drama and still thinks that im a good person. He is smart, very caring and he allows me to have cats later. the entire week he has being coming over every day. its wonderful.
its innocent. we lay in bed, cuddling, for hour. or just sleep. cook together. its the pure kind of love i never had because my relationships were either long distance or my partner wasnt that kind of pure person. it has been a wonderful week. yes we had some cuddling not very clothed etc but like we are grownups. leave us alone.
anyways i feel like if he was the person to spend my life with, i definitly would have a happy life.
and the smile that i get whenever he cuddles with me is insane. when he speaks. etc.
im cheesy. sorry.

aki out.
(thats even more cheesy? well cheese is nice so fuck u)

I wonder if they know

I wonder if they know,
how behind my smile and fassade,
my doubt and selfhatred remains,
how and where my sick brain reigns.

I wonder if they know,
that the drugs didnt quiet me down,
little cover they provide from the toxic rain,
that is the hurricane of my brain.

I wonder if they know,
that my heart is still closed off.
How I still barely feel love or trust,
anyone, even though i must.

I wonder if they know,
how my smile is a lie.
Hiding a fucked up mind,
even though I act so kind.

I wonder if they know,
how even though I am happy,
my thoughts remain the same.

I wonder if they know. 

shut up to protect them

Turning my sadness into a joke,
helps me, but not them, not you.
It helps me to cope and smile,
but you dont know what to do.

You feel bad for me,
and as I smile your frown grows.
Your voice becomes quieter,
and my evil self just knows.

I did it again. I made you sad.
With just my words, loud and clear.
Pushed you over the edge, barely holding on.
and I dont want to make you sad my dear.

I need to shut up, I say,
instantly regretting it,
when you stop mid sentence,
I know what I did.

Shut up, I say in my head.
Shut up, shut up shut up.
They shouldnt know.
They shouldnt know whats up.

I dont want to make you asd.
I should shut up to protect you.
You know what? I will. 

Too much

How are you supposed to stay strong,
when your friends break apart,
how are you supposed to smile,
when their life becomes hard.

How are you supposed to stand by,
when there is no way to relieve their pain,
How are you supposed to just watch,
while their sadness drives them insane.

When they are so near tears,
their voices breaking,
hushed voices trying to cover up,
that they are suffocating.

I can't help you.
Whats my purpose.
Why would I live. 

Because I hate myself

Staying up until 5 am,
never resting, never calm,
always on the edge of me,
because I hate myself.

Spitting out food,
throwing up dinner,
just wanting to be thinner,
because I hate myself.

Never talking to anyone,
barely smiling, barely looking,
keeping my head down,
because I hate myself.

Parting skin,
slicing deeper and deeper,
blood as fresh as I love it,
because I hate myself.

I hate myself,
and I don't think that I can stop.

My choice

Is it my choice to be sick,
is it me who causes me harm?
Is it my doing that I cry at night,
picturing my future without any light.

And if its my doing,
than who am I to call for help?
Shouldn't I punish the monster,
punish the sick soul that is there.

Shouldn't I inflict pain,
on who caused all this pain for me.
Shouldn't I gave them the punishment,
that it gave to me?

But than there is the side,
that if it was me who did it.
Shouldn't i stop the crying,
the selfharm, the hiding, the lying.

Shouldn't I take the chance,
to finally be happy and smile a bit?
Without those chains holding me back,
could I just be that innocent kid.

Shouldn't I just
try it for once? 
Try.
To be happy.