Asexual

As our lips touch,
forgotten thought,
emerges from my brain,
as if im getting caught.

I know what it is,
that I tried so hard to forget.
That I cried so often about,
that filled me with black regret.

That little huge thing,
that makes me so weird.
That huge little thing,
Like a girl with a beard.

I feel his heart beating,
his hands are shaking,
as they find their way on my back,
his emotions raging.

But my heart is cold,
I feel the warmth, yes,
the physical reaction,
human reaction, happening controllless.

But I don't feel the love,
I dont love him anymore.
Never had, never will.
Its more like im bored.

I know its a mistake,
but im just trying to be nice,
although I already know,
this mistake comes with a price.

Ill rip apart his heart again,
but Im to weak to forsaken him this,
he's my only friend here,
so I gave him this kiss.

Feeling nothing but regret,
and fear of what is to come.
Because I dont love him.
And I never will.
Because I cant. 

What do I feel

Five am, laying awake,
my last message was, 
"if something happens, 
remember, that I love you"

Is it love that I feel,
is it regret that I destroyed,
the last person that I "loved",
I'm confused, broken and annoyed.

I can't figure out what is happening to me,
as tears roll down my eyes,
is it love that I feel,
or just the loneliness inside?

Haven't had a hug in weeks,
craved one for months on end.
I left home and all me friends,
now all their love is sent.

Another tear rolles down my cheek,
I feel the coldness grabbing me,
help, help, my mind shouts,
as my happiness deceases to be.

I feel alone, I am alone,
I need some love so desperatly,
but too afraid to ask for some,
I die slowly in my room locked by a key.

My minds a mess, I grab the knife,
I try to cut through this dark mean mind,
fulfilling its deepest desire,
until it finally becomes so kind.

To give me just that bit of peace,
that bit of quietness,
that bit of sweet sweet sleep.
Until the next day. 

alone and in pain

Far away from home,
laying crying on the ground,
covering my mouth with my hands,
blocking out the sound,
of my internal pain,
fueled my loneliness again,
I am trapped in my mind,
full of thunder and rain.

Rolled up, not able to move,
my little heart is getting torn apart,
I can't do anything against it,
depression is hitting me hard.
It is ripping into my soul,
bloody pieces laying everywhere,
another crying sound escapes my mouth,
its not like anyone cares.

Music blasting loud,
so no one hears me scream.
Yet I hope someone would come,
but no one will, so it does seem.
I am alone, in pain, again,
always am, always will be,
its not like at any point,
someone will care about me.

Silver metal ripping into my skin,
the darkness is getting what it needs,
red blood to satisfy its hunger,
its doesnt care that someone bleeds.
It just wants to destroy a soul,
and I am the victim, I guess thats good,
so noone else is getting tortured,
so noone else is in a bad mood.

I am crying, screaming,
yet I cant make a sound.
Always in pain, its okay,
the darkness now is bound.
No one else has to endure it,
just me, over and over again,
but I am used to this,
Im used to being alone and in pain. 

What my Dad said

What my dad said when I told him that I didn't want to visit.

- that I don't have friends because I am an asshole and I am throwing away the only people who love me
- that if I don't make it to uni my parents will drop me and I'll have to do shitty jobs, because the normals jobs poor girls won't take me because I have selfharmed
- that I am an adult and can't have problems who make me feel this shitty
- "have you starved or cut yourself?"
- why are you crying again?

Also it was really charming how his voice got louder and angrier ^.^

Take me back

To when alcohol was something special,
And razors were just for shaving.
When your parents would only get mad at you misbehaving.

To when food was not the enemy,
And loneliness was so rare.
When i could trust my friends to be honest when they said that they care.

To when cigarettes where a no go,
And love didn't seem like a curse.
When you thought failing a class meant it couldn't get worse.

To when you weren't scared to go home,
And your identity was clear.
When gaming was something for fun, not to escape monsters near.

To when making friendships was easy,
And swimming wasn't utter pain.
When going to sleep wouldn't bring terror that made you insane.

To when I was a child,
Innocent and small.
And not a crying mess,
Curled up in a ball.

On the lonely swing of life

Darkness around me, 
I am sitting on my own, 
On a childrens swing, 
Being all alone. 

A small light ingnites, 
I inhale the dust of death, 
Thinking about life, 
How my hope has left. 

Alcohol induced madness, 
Tears streaming down my face, 
But the darkness hides it, 
Here at my lonely place. 

You said you wanted to talk, 
Suddenly my numbness wasnt enough, 
And my depression hit me, 
Suicidal me came back rough. 

I dont know what happend, 
Just that it happened way to fast. 
And suddenly not gaming, 
Not alcohol, nothing would last. 

My brain is shouting at me, 
Telling me to bleed till i die, 
Telling me to leave life behind, 
Leaving my "friends" without goodbye. 

Soon ill be back, right? 
Back home, with nothing stopping me. 
Why would i hold back then, 
There is no light that i see. 

Just a dark swing, 
My terrible body on top of it. 
Swinging back and forth, 
Dying that tiny last bit. 

Lets go home, the voices say, 
Lets go home, itll be okay. 
Lets finally put an end to it, 
To not see the light of day. 

Why am i like this, 
Why cant i be able to live? 
Why cant the voices shut up, 
Why cant they forgive? 

They say i am a bad person, 
I guess they are right. 
I guess i shouldnt be living, 
Guess i shouldnt see the light. 

Lets go back home, 
And punish me for being alive. 
For being this terrible person, 
Lets pick up the knife. 

Its sharp enough, you know. 
And the pain will finally not be. 
They whisper. I cannot not listen. 
I am in pain, dont you see? 

You wanted to help, 
But you just made it worse. 
You did not bless me with your existence, 
And all your words were a curse. 

Now i am on this lonely swing, 
Remembering all my pain. 
How i couldn't be a child, 
How my childhood drove me insane. 

But no, i remember. 
Its my fault, thats what the voices mean. 
And they want me to be dead, 
 Its so loud, it cant be unseen. 

Ill go home and die. 
Its better this way? 
Thats what they mean, 
Thats what they say. 

Lonely swing, 
Robbed childhood, 
Unacceptant parents, 
Me never being good. 

Its the right way,
Thats what they say, 
On the swing of life, 
If youre dead youll finally be okay. 

Just do it.

The desire to be loved

Why do I have this strong desire,
to want people to love me?
Why do I need their attention,
why do I need this codependency?

I need the friendship, I need the care,
I need people around me everywhere.
But not too many, or too often,
cause then my mental walls would soften.

When I get friends, I start to break,
its just gets to much for me to take.
My demons start to scream much more,
destroying my happiness to the core.

I fall back into my own old hell,
the one im used to, that I know so well.
And then again, life is filled with pain,
driving me back to being insane.

But what was it that started this,
what did i oversee, what did i miss?
Because I was happy, wasnt i?
saying it made me sad would be a lie.

I wanted love, which they gave me,
yet there is not hope for me to see.
So what happened between give and receive?
What happened to make my happiness leave?

It was my demons, am I right?
they made me ask for help to find the light,
but also made this friendship a knife,
so that I would never be painlessly happy in my life.

What I desire the most,
hurts the most.
Ironic, isnt it?