I bolt up when I look at the clock. Again I slept too much.
Used to having only a few minutes to get ready I jump out of my bed, starting to pick up some clothes from the ground just to decide to wear the same as yesterday. A quick glance in the mirror assures me to skip breakfast, as the fat aquired during the past few months could probably bring me through the next month or two without me even slightly looking thin.
I push my laptop in a bag, my keys in my pocket and I'm off.
Headphones blasting music in my ears help me to cope with the world around me while I feel like everyone is judging the fattie sitting on the tram with two bags.
As I arrive at uni I try to pick a place that hasn't too much people crowed there. I often succeed since no one wants to sit in the front, and so I spend the next two hours listening to mathematics that I already know, turning my pen around in my hands and checking my phone for messages that wont come because why would anyone text me?
When the class is over I slowly put my stuff away, bracing myself for the social interaction I am about to encounter, just to decide that today, I won't annoy anyone, that I won't waste anyones time with my existence.
I almost run to my next class, I catch a glance of the people who I spent my evenings learning with, hear their laughter and look at the ground so that no one can see the tears standing in my eyes again.
Weak.
I choose a place so far in the back that I most certainly won't see the blackboard but seeing it wouldn't change a thing anyways since I am just a stupid kid that won't achieve anything in life either way.
In the front I can see the back of the heads of people that I know. I would assume they are looking for me, but since I know how useless I am I am sure that they are relieved that they don't have to be around me today.
I barely listen to the lecture as I am trying to hide the fact that tears are almost streaming down my face. It's good that I picked a place this far back, no one is looking at me anyways.
After the lesson I freeze as my friends make their way up the stairs, ´before I hide beneath my table as they are looking around. I wait a few minutes until I am sure that they are gone before packing my stuff and quickly leaving, trying to think of a place where I can learn without bumping into anyone (aka annoying them). The library seems like my only option.
I quickly put my stuff in one of the lockers, only taking my folder and laptop, and hide myself for the next few hours between maths and science, desperatly trying to convince myself that I am not as stupid as I tell myself that I am.
Late in the evening I come home, after another exhausting tram ride full of people that were pressing against me. I pick something from the fridge, I don't even care, indulding myself in calories as my brain turns off for a bit. Thank god for eating disorders, although I'd prefer if I could purge but I don't wanna strain my relationship with my roommates even more. Maybe I should try throwing up in plastic bags again as I used to do at home and in my old flat, but where would I put that stuff?
So I just gain more weight, become more of a ball and hate myself more.
It's midnight when I am able to start gaming. Some people are online, I am talking, but I am constantly scared of someone getting mad at me, or even worse, me getting excited, happy and people muting me because I am just so annoying. It happened before.
I play shit, as perusual, ending in a depressed episode with tears streaming.
"I'm going to sleep, thanks for the games" I type in the chat before turning off Teamspeak, turning off the internet on my pc.
I know what I am going to do, it's obvious. But I try to delay it either way, staring at the silver metal laying beneath my computer screen. As I slowly grab it I catch a glance at my reflection in it, a fat face that is even more puffier due to crying.
As I place it on my skin, knowing that I deserve this pain, I cry once more only to be quiet and just feeling my deserved punishment.
I watch the blood pouring down my arm for a bit, if I even was able to get that deep, before trying to patch myself up, going to bed and falling asleep after crying some more, clutching my dog toy wanting it to be a human that could ease my pain for a bit.
But I am alone.
And always will be.
Used to having only a few minutes to get ready I jump out of my bed, starting to pick up some clothes from the ground just to decide to wear the same as yesterday. A quick glance in the mirror assures me to skip breakfast, as the fat aquired during the past few months could probably bring me through the next month or two without me even slightly looking thin.
I push my laptop in a bag, my keys in my pocket and I'm off.
Headphones blasting music in my ears help me to cope with the world around me while I feel like everyone is judging the fattie sitting on the tram with two bags.
As I arrive at uni I try to pick a place that hasn't too much people crowed there. I often succeed since no one wants to sit in the front, and so I spend the next two hours listening to mathematics that I already know, turning my pen around in my hands and checking my phone for messages that wont come because why would anyone text me?
When the class is over I slowly put my stuff away, bracing myself for the social interaction I am about to encounter, just to decide that today, I won't annoy anyone, that I won't waste anyones time with my existence.
I almost run to my next class, I catch a glance of the people who I spent my evenings learning with, hear their laughter and look at the ground so that no one can see the tears standing in my eyes again.
Weak.
I choose a place so far in the back that I most certainly won't see the blackboard but seeing it wouldn't change a thing anyways since I am just a stupid kid that won't achieve anything in life either way.
In the front I can see the back of the heads of people that I know. I would assume they are looking for me, but since I know how useless I am I am sure that they are relieved that they don't have to be around me today.
I barely listen to the lecture as I am trying to hide the fact that tears are almost streaming down my face. It's good that I picked a place this far back, no one is looking at me anyways.
After the lesson I freeze as my friends make their way up the stairs, ´before I hide beneath my table as they are looking around. I wait a few minutes until I am sure that they are gone before packing my stuff and quickly leaving, trying to think of a place where I can learn without bumping into anyone (aka annoying them). The library seems like my only option.
I quickly put my stuff in one of the lockers, only taking my folder and laptop, and hide myself for the next few hours between maths and science, desperatly trying to convince myself that I am not as stupid as I tell myself that I am.
Late in the evening I come home, after another exhausting tram ride full of people that were pressing against me. I pick something from the fridge, I don't even care, indulding myself in calories as my brain turns off for a bit. Thank god for eating disorders, although I'd prefer if I could purge but I don't wanna strain my relationship with my roommates even more. Maybe I should try throwing up in plastic bags again as I used to do at home and in my old flat, but where would I put that stuff?
So I just gain more weight, become more of a ball and hate myself more.
It's midnight when I am able to start gaming. Some people are online, I am talking, but I am constantly scared of someone getting mad at me, or even worse, me getting excited, happy and people muting me because I am just so annoying. It happened before.
I play shit, as perusual, ending in a depressed episode with tears streaming.
"I'm going to sleep, thanks for the games" I type in the chat before turning off Teamspeak, turning off the internet on my pc.
I know what I am going to do, it's obvious. But I try to delay it either way, staring at the silver metal laying beneath my computer screen. As I slowly grab it I catch a glance at my reflection in it, a fat face that is even more puffier due to crying.
As I place it on my skin, knowing that I deserve this pain, I cry once more only to be quiet and just feeling my deserved punishment.
I watch the blood pouring down my arm for a bit, if I even was able to get that deep, before trying to patch myself up, going to bed and falling asleep after crying some more, clutching my dog toy wanting it to be a human that could ease my pain for a bit.
But I am alone.
And always will be.
