I wonder if they know

I wonder if they know,
how behind my smile and fassade,
my doubt and selfhatred remains,
how and where my sick brain reigns.

I wonder if they know,
that the drugs didnt quiet me down,
little cover they provide from the toxic rain,
that is the hurricane of my brain.

I wonder if they know,
that my heart is still closed off.
How I still barely feel love or trust,
anyone, even though i must.

I wonder if they know,
how my smile is a lie.
Hiding a fucked up mind,
even though I act so kind.

I wonder if they know,
how even though I am happy,
my thoughts remain the same.

I wonder if they know. 

shut up to protect them

Turning my sadness into a joke,
helps me, but not them, not you.
It helps me to cope and smile,
but you dont know what to do.

You feel bad for me,
and as I smile your frown grows.
Your voice becomes quieter,
and my evil self just knows.

I did it again. I made you sad.
With just my words, loud and clear.
Pushed you over the edge, barely holding on.
and I dont want to make you sad my dear.

I need to shut up, I say,
instantly regretting it,
when you stop mid sentence,
I know what I did.

Shut up, I say in my head.
Shut up, shut up shut up.
They shouldnt know.
They shouldnt know whats up.

I dont want to make you asd.
I should shut up to protect you.
You know what? I will. 

Too much

How are you supposed to stay strong,
when your friends break apart,
how are you supposed to smile,
when their life becomes hard.

How are you supposed to stand by,
when there is no way to relieve their pain,
How are you supposed to just watch,
while their sadness drives them insane.

When they are so near tears,
their voices breaking,
hushed voices trying to cover up,
that they are suffocating.

I can't help you.
Whats my purpose.
Why would I live. 

Because I hate myself

Staying up until 5 am,
never resting, never calm,
always on the edge of me,
because I hate myself.

Spitting out food,
throwing up dinner,
just wanting to be thinner,
because I hate myself.

Never talking to anyone,
barely smiling, barely looking,
keeping my head down,
because I hate myself.

Parting skin,
slicing deeper and deeper,
blood as fresh as I love it,
because I hate myself.

I hate myself,
and I don't think that I can stop.

My choice

Is it my choice to be sick,
is it me who causes me harm?
Is it my doing that I cry at night,
picturing my future without any light.

And if its my doing,
than who am I to call for help?
Shouldn't I punish the monster,
punish the sick soul that is there.

Shouldn't I inflict pain,
on who caused all this pain for me.
Shouldn't I gave them the punishment,
that it gave to me?

But than there is the side,
that if it was me who did it.
Shouldn't i stop the crying,
the selfharm, the hiding, the lying.

Shouldn't I take the chance,
to finally be happy and smile a bit?
Without those chains holding me back,
could I just be that innocent kid.

Shouldn't I just
try it for once? 
Try.
To be happy.

untitled #3

I think it says a shitton about how I feel about you by the way that even the thought that you might be in the same supermarket as me, even if its absurd, is making me have a panic attack and I cant watch old videos that i made to "save the moment" because Im scared of the memories or how I have nightmares about you visiting my flat and coming inside although I could juat not let you in but I know myself, I know that i will do it just like last time when you came and stole a kiss you didn't deserve.
Or how I still keep your note and remember your face so dearly, how I cant hear certain songs without wanting to cry.
I dont know how to let go even though I should. But then again. Does it really matter.

What Are Friends For Me

when can you trust a person,
when can you call them friends,
when can you trust them.
Who will follow until your life ends?

I trusted you, with my life,
was about to put it in your hands,
at your mercy, at your will.
now I can see how far my trust bends.

I don't care about safety,
don't care about love or me.
I don't care if youre a good person,
or a evil devil wannabe.

I'll throw myself at you,
for the smallest shard of attention,
to fill the void inside of me,
but your love was a beautiful deception.

I cut myself open on it,
tearing through my heart and soul.
Bleeding and crying,
but not letting go.

Because I would rather die clinging to another person who is hurting me,
than to live with myself again.
Because I would rather let someone who I love destroy me,
than to face my own demons again.
Because I would rather get abused helping someone else,
than to help myself.
Because I would rather swallow my tears to hold you and tell you
"it's going to be okay",
than to face the fact that I am insane.

The Way I think Of me

A monster, a thief,
a terrible creature.
That isnt human,
luckily my kind is rare.

I hate myself, I really do,
have done that for a while.
I have tried running,
but only went one mile.

Before I dropped back to the floor,
my demons kicking, hitting me,
so I can't stand up once again,
there is no hope that I can see.

Just left to die,
in eternal pain,
barely breathing,
barely keeping sane.

But I am kept alive,
to punish me for my mistakes.
For how many eternities
will I be burning at the stakes?

Am I damned forever?
Or will mercy release my soul.
So that I can finally,
leave this world that is so cold. 

Lose Control

"Love is a sickness, an addiction, overdose..."  - Exo, Overdose

Expressing what I feel,
expressing what I want.
Showing my vulnarability,
being completely blunt.

How I want to trust you,
completely, without fear,
to be completely without walls,
just us two being near.

How I want to look into your eyes,
without that nasty voice in my head,
screaming at the top of its lungs,
about all what they have said.

About what happened in my past,
about all the times they wronged me.
About all the times that I let down my walls,
just to witness, just to see.

How trust got used,
how my little heart broke again,
how pain killed my love,
leaving cloud and rain.

Im so terrified of that,
that not even this love I feel,
can remedy what has happened.
On my heart  there is a seal.

I want to lose control,
open it, let it free, just be myself.
Just be free with you.
But I dont think that I can do it alone. 
Help me.

Enjoy the pain until I can die

"It's better for you",
I say before I close the path.
Tears glistering in my eyes,
my depression having its last laugh.

Completely alone,
"friends" who left me again,
cause i was too different,
for them too insane.

I mean, I deserve it,
in the end its my fault.
Now its time to enjoy this,
to pour salt in my wounds.

Here is what you get,
enjoy this sweet pain.
While I gather the strength,
to kill hope with rain.

Soon it will be over,
you can finally sleep.
That sleep that is final,
a thousand miles deep.

Just wait few more days,
few more weeks, just a bit.
Enjoy the pain a bit more,
until I finally call it quit.

My personality is asshole (cleansing this world)

Hiding behind harsh words,
I cover my heart to prevent upset.
Trying to survive the imminent threat,
not realizing my heart is dead.

A terrible little person,
a terrible big failure.
whose presence, talk,
or even hug, no one can endure.

Telling everyone that its just my brain,
that I am just that tiny bit insane.
But inside I know too good,
that I am the one to blame.

Hiding behind an excuse,
to be a terrible person consequentless.
Insulting people, masking it as jokes,
leaving my heart senseless.

Not human anymore, just a shell,
that only harms the ones it meets. 
I should shut up, but I keep going,
destroying every heart that beats.

I will stop, will make this monster shut up,
punish it for what it did,
make it relive all the pain it caused,
make it whine like a little kid.

Make it scream in agony,
make it bleed for all the pain.
Make it feel where it was empty,
make it human again.

Then I will release it,
to the final escape of death.
Regretting what it has done,
with its every final breath.

For that I deserve this agony,
for that I deserve this pain.
For I only did bad,
without me this world will be sane.