Maybe?

Maybe if I punch enough walls, 
and take enough of those pills. 

My crooked smile will return, 

because this depression, it kills, 

every shred of happiness in my soul, 

every shred of hope within this wreck, 

that I call my body, isn't it funny? 

Outside it is always so sunny, 

but my mind is clouded in darkness, 

a never ending ocean full of sad, 

a bottom less puddle on the sidewalk.

when it could be nothingness instead. 

Sometimes I wish I couldn't feel a thing, 

but this Apathy is worse than any sadness, 

Atleast I can feel anything. 

however terrible it might be,

whatever it might bring. 

Because I cannot even begin, 

to describe the selfhatred I feel when I look, 

just look at my future, or my life. 

Being alive stings like a knife, 

down im my stomach, 

I'd rather be dead, 

than feel this nothingness. 

And yet when the curtain lifts, 

the only thing that comes through is hate. 

Sometimes I think that it might be to late, 

to late to save the child that couldn't wait, 

to grow up, and now has too much on its plate. 

My personality is asshole (cleansing this world)

Hiding behind harsh words,
I cover my heart to prevent upset.
Trying to survive the imminent threat,
not realizing my heart is dead.

A terrible little person,
a terrible big failure.
whose presence, talk,
or even hug, no one can endure.

Telling everyone that its just my brain,
that I am just that tiny bit insane.
But inside I know too good,
that I am the one to blame.

Hiding behind an excuse,
to be a terrible person consequentless.
Insulting people, masking it as jokes,
leaving my heart senseless.

Not human anymore, just a shell,
that only harms the ones it meets. 
I should shut up, but I keep going,
destroying every heart that beats.

I will stop, will make this monster shut up,
punish it for what it did,
make it relive all the pain it caused,
make it whine like a little kid.

Make it scream in agony,
make it bleed for all the pain.
Make it feel where it was empty,
make it human again.

Then I will release it,
to the final escape of death.
Regretting what it has done,
with its every final breath.

For that I deserve this agony,
for that I deserve this pain.
For I only did bad,
without me this world will be sane.

Destroyed emotion

I have become a monster,
when I chose to numb my pain,
by destroying my heart.
Because I couldnt stay sane.

Being human destroyed me,
so I destroyed what was human.
But now having emotions, love,
is nothing that I can. 

Small heart,
shivering in my chest,
surrounded by a cold deep darkness,
torturing it without rest.

It has been a slow process,
the darkness crawled from its little spot,
through my veines everywhere,
making my emotions rot.

Overtaking everything,
that was human about me,
leaving a broken dark machine,
that is what I have become to be.

It is screaming so loudly,
sometimes I can even hear it,
screaming and crying out of pain,
but I dont care the tiniest bit.

I walk around,
surrounded by a cloud of night,
the madness coming from no control,
lights up my eyes so bright.

No one walks close by anymore,
people have left me for good,
my hearts screams even louder,
but it cant destroy my mood.

It draws red lines on my skin,
but they just add to my dark look, I smile.
Now everyone will think I am mad,
that i am disgusting and vile.

I think I might even be happy,
if I only could feel. 

On the lonely swing of life

Darkness around me, 
I am sitting on my own, 
On a childrens swing, 
Being all alone. 

A small light ingnites, 
I inhale the dust of death, 
Thinking about life, 
How my hope has left. 

Alcohol induced madness, 
Tears streaming down my face, 
But the darkness hides it, 
Here at my lonely place. 

You said you wanted to talk, 
Suddenly my numbness wasnt enough, 
And my depression hit me, 
Suicidal me came back rough. 

I dont know what happend, 
Just that it happened way to fast. 
And suddenly not gaming, 
Not alcohol, nothing would last. 

My brain is shouting at me, 
Telling me to bleed till i die, 
Telling me to leave life behind, 
Leaving my "friends" without goodbye. 

Soon ill be back, right? 
Back home, with nothing stopping me. 
Why would i hold back then, 
There is no light that i see. 

Just a dark swing, 
My terrible body on top of it. 
Swinging back and forth, 
Dying that tiny last bit. 

Lets go home, the voices say, 
Lets go home, itll be okay. 
Lets finally put an end to it, 
To not see the light of day. 

Why am i like this, 
Why cant i be able to live? 
Why cant the voices shut up, 
Why cant they forgive? 

They say i am a bad person, 
I guess they are right. 
I guess i shouldnt be living, 
Guess i shouldnt see the light. 

Lets go back home, 
And punish me for being alive. 
For being this terrible person, 
Lets pick up the knife. 

Its sharp enough, you know. 
And the pain will finally not be. 
They whisper. I cannot not listen. 
I am in pain, dont you see? 

You wanted to help, 
But you just made it worse. 
You did not bless me with your existence, 
And all your words were a curse. 

Now i am on this lonely swing, 
Remembering all my pain. 
How i couldn't be a child, 
How my childhood drove me insane. 

But no, i remember. 
Its my fault, thats what the voices mean. 
And they want me to be dead, 
 Its so loud, it cant be unseen. 

Ill go home and die. 
Its better this way? 
Thats what they mean, 
Thats what they say. 

Lonely swing, 
Robbed childhood, 
Unacceptant parents, 
Me never being good. 

Its the right way,
Thats what they say, 
On the swing of life, 
If youre dead youll finally be okay. 

Just do it.

The body of water that is life - untitled #1

Life seems to be a dark ocean,
Fog stops me from seeing far,
They're trying hard to hunt me down,
But tbh I just want to drown. 

My arms are heavy from swimming long,
My energy is about to fade.
I'd like to stop and have some rest,
To ease the fire in my chest. 

I can barely breathe,
Lungs are filled with water.
If nothing changes and this keeps going on,
It wont be long until im done.

But the ocean doesn't seem to have an end,
My demons start to catch up to me.
The end is near, thats what I see,
I guess this is how it had to be.

- Aki Silver, 18.08.16