Asexual

As our lips touch,
forgotten thought,
emerges from my brain,
as if im getting caught.

I know what it is,
that I tried so hard to forget.
That I cried so often about,
that filled me with black regret.

That little huge thing,
that makes me so weird.
That huge little thing,
Like a girl with a beard.

I feel his heart beating,
his hands are shaking,
as they find their way on my back,
his emotions raging.

But my heart is cold,
I feel the warmth, yes,
the physical reaction,
human reaction, happening controllless.

But I don't feel the love,
I dont love him anymore.
Never had, never will.
Its more like im bored.

I know its a mistake,
but im just trying to be nice,
although I already know,
this mistake comes with a price.

Ill rip apart his heart again,
but Im to weak to forsaken him this,
he's my only friend here,
so I gave him this kiss.

Feeling nothing but regret,
and fear of what is to come.
Because I dont love him.
And I never will.
Because I cant. 

What do I feel

Five am, laying awake,
my last message was, 
"if something happens, 
remember, that I love you"

Is it love that I feel,
is it regret that I destroyed,
the last person that I "loved",
I'm confused, broken and annoyed.

I can't figure out what is happening to me,
as tears roll down my eyes,
is it love that I feel,
or just the loneliness inside?

Haven't had a hug in weeks,
craved one for months on end.
I left home and all me friends,
now all their love is sent.

Another tear rolles down my cheek,
I feel the coldness grabbing me,
help, help, my mind shouts,
as my happiness deceases to be.

I feel alone, I am alone,
I need some love so desperatly,
but too afraid to ask for some,
I die slowly in my room locked by a key.

My minds a mess, I grab the knife,
I try to cut through this dark mean mind,
fulfilling its deepest desire,
until it finally becomes so kind.

To give me just that bit of peace,
that bit of quietness,
that bit of sweet sweet sleep.
Until the next day. 

alone and in pain

Far away from home,
laying crying on the ground,
covering my mouth with my hands,
blocking out the sound,
of my internal pain,
fueled my loneliness again,
I am trapped in my mind,
full of thunder and rain.

Rolled up, not able to move,
my little heart is getting torn apart,
I can't do anything against it,
depression is hitting me hard.
It is ripping into my soul,
bloody pieces laying everywhere,
another crying sound escapes my mouth,
its not like anyone cares.

Music blasting loud,
so no one hears me scream.
Yet I hope someone would come,
but no one will, so it does seem.
I am alone, in pain, again,
always am, always will be,
its not like at any point,
someone will care about me.

Silver metal ripping into my skin,
the darkness is getting what it needs,
red blood to satisfy its hunger,
its doesnt care that someone bleeds.
It just wants to destroy a soul,
and I am the victim, I guess thats good,
so noone else is getting tortured,
so noone else is in a bad mood.

I am crying, screaming,
yet I cant make a sound.
Always in pain, its okay,
the darkness now is bound.
No one else has to endure it,
just me, over and over again,
but I am used to this,
Im used to being alone and in pain.