;

Thin lines running through skin,
blue, red and violett, its like
you have your own little rainbow.
living deep inside you.



Bloodred.
A beautiful color.
Why do we need to inflict pain to see this,
which makes us so human.
which makes us so vulnerable.
which keeps us sane.

Breached.
Streaming out,
of everything we once called home,
for our bodies are a home we never leave.

Beaten.
We have to be,
to destroy our home, by ourselves.
The place that is so save,
now lost.

Whats the reason 

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its a fight right.
its a fight to not harm yourself. i hear my own voice in my head, begging for pain, begging to punish myself for not being enough. for not going to uni or to work.
all this stupid stuff, that i measure myself at.
its okay its okay, to have to take breaks because of your mental health. my brain is a shitty place. its angry its mad agt me.
i know its okay. logically. i know. im sick and i need to take that into my calculations but its so difficult when in comparison to normal people my problems are .. stupid.
normal ppl dont need breaks because they .. slept too much. woke up late. didnt do their work in time. i missed uni yesterday and today. my brain is screaming and im trying to keep it under controll.
i know that i have blades. i found them while cleaning. i thought i threw all of them away.
i didnt.
i want to. i want to harm me. i want to punish myself. i dont know what else to do. i feel mad at myself. i wanna let it out somehow.
i used to go on runs for this. now im fat and useless.
gosh im so mad at myself. i wanna kill myself. i wanna.
i dont because i dont wanna make my friends sad. i dont want jonas to brush up against me and feel new wounds. and look at me with those sad eyes.
he would leave. he would. after a while if i relapse.
i dont know if  i could survive that.