Destroyed emotion

I have become a monster,
when I chose to numb my pain,
by destroying my heart.
Because I couldnt stay sane.

Being human destroyed me,
so I destroyed what was human.
But now having emotions, love,
is nothing that I can. 

Small heart,
shivering in my chest,
surrounded by a cold deep darkness,
torturing it without rest.

It has been a slow process,
the darkness crawled from its little spot,
through my veines everywhere,
making my emotions rot.

Overtaking everything,
that was human about me,
leaving a broken dark machine,
that is what I have become to be.

It is screaming so loudly,
sometimes I can even hear it,
screaming and crying out of pain,
but I dont care the tiniest bit.

I walk around,
surrounded by a cloud of night,
the madness coming from no control,
lights up my eyes so bright.

No one walks close by anymore,
people have left me for good,
my hearts screams even louder,
but it cant destroy my mood.

It draws red lines on my skin,
but they just add to my dark look, I smile.
Now everyone will think I am mad,
that i am disgusting and vile.

I think I might even be happy,
if I only could feel. 

What I Would Have Done

Dear Grandma.

You died 2 weeks ago.
I didn't know about it.
I moved out, away,
broke off contact but a bit.

"I need to inform you that grandma died.",
Mum I know you meant well saying this,
but why wait 2 weeks with it.
Is it because you know I wouldn't miss, her?

And I don't what went through me,
hearing this final message yesterday.
A bolt of sharp deep roaring pain,
suddenly my life was less okay.

I just sat numb there, tears rolling
over my cheeks, a deepening sadness,
emerging from my soul, shaking me trhough,
until it left my insides a mess.

But why is this happening,
I wonder, I barely talked to her anyways?
A few words, a few smiles,
and then we went our ways.

I know it was wrong,
but I thought I had time,
time to later repay,
that we had another day.

But I didn't, I know that now,
and it hurts so much more,
knowing what I couldve done better,
what I did wrong.

I wouldn't have ignored your calls,
talked to you more than 07:13.
Wouldve remember to record that song,
you and granddad sang when I turned 18.

Would've made memories,
instead of hiding away.
And now my insanity,
takes another part of my day.

I should've been a better grandson,
or better, granddaughter,
me being special,
just caused so much slaughter.

I wish I could've been a better grandkid,
grand ma, I am so sorry.
But now you are hopefully at peace,
in a place without worry.

I hope that I can make you proud,
watch me slay at life.
For you I will try,
to fight my demons with knives.

Grandma, I am sorry.
For I was wrong.
Because I still have time,
but not with you.