"forgetting"

 Just take your meds they say, 

then the pain will go away. 

But I know I deserve this pain, 

this selfhatred that is driving me insane. 

It is all I know and all I have, 

there is just nothing else left. 

Another day, another night passes by. 

I know I forgot the drugs, I sigh, 

I know I should take them I know they'll help, 

"but why would you do this", the voice yelps. 

"You know that you deserve this, 

you know that you are total shit, 

worthless, broken and a waste of air. 

It is not like anyone will care. "

So the sadness comes back, 

my hands start shaking again. 

Barely leaving my bed, 

Im just as useless as they said.

"Here's the proof" the voice says, 

"You're as useless, as you remember", 

a bit louder this time, just like

it is losing its temper. 

And there I fall again, 

back into the darkness embrace'

because thats what I deserve, 

I guess I am a hopeless case. 

colorless cloud

Don’t worry about me, I’m used to dealing with my shit, 

I say as i breathe deeply in. 

“Really?”, ask the shadows again. 

Death would be a fuckin relief. 

Dont worry about me, 

I say as a clutch my jaw, 

Dont worry about me, 

you believe as long as you dont see. 

How bad I sleep at night, 

horrible mares waking me up, 

drenched in Panic and sweat. 

Just to go back to bed. 

How bad I clench my jaw, 

every waking hour of the day, 

trying to keep that sweet smile up, 

while I myself keep giving up. 

How hopeless I am when I look at my life, 

how gray and useless, just sadness in excess. 

A small colorless cloud trying to fight, 

the oncoming storm that keeps out all light. 

It prepares for the fight to begin, 

tries to remember all the good old days when the rain sets in. 

Overwhelming wind and darkness rise, 

as the cloud meets its demise. 

Every day I fight, 

and yet everyday it seems I loose again. 

At trying to keep me from decayin. 

How many losses until I cant stand up anymore? 

The body of water that is life - untitled #1

Life seems to be a dark ocean,
Fog stops me from seeing far,
They're trying hard to hunt me down,
But tbh I just want to drown. 

My arms are heavy from swimming long,
My energy is about to fade.
I'd like to stop and have some rest,
To ease the fire in my chest. 

I can barely breathe,
Lungs are filled with water.
If nothing changes and this keeps going on,
It wont be long until im done.

But the ocean doesn't seem to have an end,
My demons start to catch up to me.
The end is near, thats what I see,
I guess this is how it had to be.

- Aki Silver, 18.08.16

the issue with trust (Can I trust you?)

I trust you , that is right,
have for years, without doubt.
But what happened yesterday,
makes me wonder what trust is about.

It was a "mistake", that's what you said,
but what f a mistake becomes the norm?
So from that thoughtless trust,
fear, panic, insecurities were born.

I look at you, my hear beats fast,
afraid to be hurt again.
No words can heal that,
not time, nothing can.

You ask for trust, so often now,
each time stabbing your knife into me.
You think its okay, don't understand
why I cry, why can't you see?

What you did, broke my trust,
unrepairable, I may say.
And nothing you do or ask or write,
will make that (or me) okay.