I am worried.
I am worried about money. I dont have enough. Not to sometimes order out when I dont feel like cooking, but also not to buy myself something new if a thing breaks. My mouse is broken. It's movement is slowing down more and more and while I can still adjust the Speed on the Computer to counterbalance it, this is only a temporary solution and there is only so far the speed can go.
I am worried about my mental health. I pretend that I am fine most of the time and I dont have any really bad episodes since Im still doing quite a lot of work (a lot of uni online lectures and some tasks), but i know it soon wont be enough. Soon those couple of hours of work, 8 hours of lectures per week plus some time with other tasks wont be enough. I already feel it slipping away, feeling like no matter how much I do I am never enough. How I want to continue for another hour and another and when I inevitably give up I feel like a failure. Even now Im watching a lecture while writing this and I missed a couple minutes.
I am worried about my selfharm. I would love to start cutting again. I kind of already have, though its well hidden. And I know how quickly I would escalate. The only thing holding me back right now is that my boyfriend would be upset. Nothing else. Scary, innit.
I am worried about my cats. I never can really read if they are happy. One moment I feel like they love me, when Poro massages my chests in the morning or when Ichi is on my lap, eyes closed and somewhat cuddled into my arms. But then they shout again, or they leave to quickly. They hide on the bed or move somewhat weird. And I start to worry. Apart from that I am constantly worried that they might be sick. I would just keep getting them checked because thats like 20 euros but travelling to the vet means taking a taxi (or causing great discomfort for the cats and me) which costs 50 euros if im lucky, sometimes even more.
I am worried about my medication. While I have quite a lot of my sleeping/calming medication, my antidepressants are more or less empty. I have a couple of doses left to keep for really bad days, but besides that I am fucked. I tried to get some more, but ended up in a telephone chain.
I am worried about my sleeping schedule. It is 8 am and I havent yet slept. I dont feel too tired, but I never do until its too late. I feel a slight cloud setting on my brain, but that is pleasant. I cant hate myself as much if I am slightly dazed.
I am worried about what I eat. I am constantly reminded that whatever I cook, ill have to clean again. and While that wouldnt be too bad, if i want to eat something healthy i have problems with portion sizes and that i just dont have enough pots, not enough places on the stove. And the healthier the meal, the more different ingredients i need to prepare and the more ill need to clean afterwards.
I am just worried and Id like to stop spending my time worrying, and would like to sometimes maybe live.
