hi. it has been a while.
im 21 now. way too old. older than i ever thought id live. ive been fighting with my depression and am now on medication, to keep my serotonin levels up. since after years of pretending apparently i actually have a problem. or i always had. i dont know. im never sure about me. what aspects are just those that i want, those i imagine, those that my parents tell me that i am or those that my sick brain sees.
the drugs seem to work. ive finished half of university in just a bit of time more than usual. i still hate myself and think im not worth anything, but atleast i work. its not paralyzing anymore and as long as i dont think about it, its fine. just suppress it. fake it till you make it. the old drill.
normally during the days im pretty fine. unless somthing stressful comes up. but its 5 am and im still awake and then my medication starts to wear off i guess, or its the darkness or whatever, but i get way sadder.
ive been having trouble going to sleep at a decent time for a bit over a week now. maybe longer. but i just have these wonderful dreams and then i wake up and live is still shitty and boring. especially since i often dream of sacrificing myself, which is the ultimate goal of my sick brain, so it starts relaxing and accepting, and then i wake up and realize that it was "only just a dream", to quote a song.
its so upsetting that ive been avoiding going to sleep for far too much time. and then i sleep a lot and wake up at 6 pm. wasted days, that just make me even more depressed. like a nice demonic cycle of depression. a spiral almost. unhealthy, but its difficult to break it.
even though i have sleep medication, its not working as well anymore, so even though i used to be able to just take my meds and knock out, i cant anymore, so im just in bed, thinking, for too long about not nice things.
but hey, some positives maybe.
im still in a relationship with the guy from uni. a bit over a year now. it is very nice. he has his moods and quirks but i love him a lot. my head though, that motherfucker just tries to find every excuse to destroy my life. from things like "youre not good enough for you" to "he only wants the sex" to " you deserve better, he is too perfect" it just makes it very difficult to be happy. i cant really bring it up to him though, since he is just started warming up to me. it was very difficult for him to be just himself and careless and happy while i was very sick a year ago, so now that i am healthier, his personality florishes. and i dont wanna ruin it, he looks very happy.
yes very positive. im just writing this down as i think, which is probably not the best way to do this. but it porbably doesnt make any coherent sense, but i do find it nice to read. atleast i rly liked my writing style form a year ago, its so similar to my speech pattern that i feel like i have stagnated in this year. just stayed the same. boring old kid, that knows nothing of the world and just wants for all too end because its just soo much, so much that i cannot handle.
Life is overwhelming right now. Just a tiny bit overwhelming.
But im used to overwhelming challenges, from my dad always pushing me in sport and math/science department to me surviving with bulimia and sitting through entire scar treatments without making a sound.
Maybe itll go well. I dont know right now.
Ill just focus on uni for now.
im 21 now. way too old. older than i ever thought id live. ive been fighting with my depression and am now on medication, to keep my serotonin levels up. since after years of pretending apparently i actually have a problem. or i always had. i dont know. im never sure about me. what aspects are just those that i want, those i imagine, those that my parents tell me that i am or those that my sick brain sees.
the drugs seem to work. ive finished half of university in just a bit of time more than usual. i still hate myself and think im not worth anything, but atleast i work. its not paralyzing anymore and as long as i dont think about it, its fine. just suppress it. fake it till you make it. the old drill.
normally during the days im pretty fine. unless somthing stressful comes up. but its 5 am and im still awake and then my medication starts to wear off i guess, or its the darkness or whatever, but i get way sadder.
ive been having trouble going to sleep at a decent time for a bit over a week now. maybe longer. but i just have these wonderful dreams and then i wake up and live is still shitty and boring. especially since i often dream of sacrificing myself, which is the ultimate goal of my sick brain, so it starts relaxing and accepting, and then i wake up and realize that it was "only just a dream", to quote a song.
its so upsetting that ive been avoiding going to sleep for far too much time. and then i sleep a lot and wake up at 6 pm. wasted days, that just make me even more depressed. like a nice demonic cycle of depression. a spiral almost. unhealthy, but its difficult to break it.
even though i have sleep medication, its not working as well anymore, so even though i used to be able to just take my meds and knock out, i cant anymore, so im just in bed, thinking, for too long about not nice things.
but hey, some positives maybe.
im still in a relationship with the guy from uni. a bit over a year now. it is very nice. he has his moods and quirks but i love him a lot. my head though, that motherfucker just tries to find every excuse to destroy my life. from things like "youre not good enough for you" to "he only wants the sex" to " you deserve better, he is too perfect" it just makes it very difficult to be happy. i cant really bring it up to him though, since he is just started warming up to me. it was very difficult for him to be just himself and careless and happy while i was very sick a year ago, so now that i am healthier, his personality florishes. and i dont wanna ruin it, he looks very happy.
yes very positive. im just writing this down as i think, which is probably not the best way to do this. but it porbably doesnt make any coherent sense, but i do find it nice to read. atleast i rly liked my writing style form a year ago, its so similar to my speech pattern that i feel like i have stagnated in this year. just stayed the same. boring old kid, that knows nothing of the world and just wants for all too end because its just soo much, so much that i cannot handle.
Life is overwhelming right now. Just a tiny bit overwhelming.
But im used to overwhelming challenges, from my dad always pushing me in sport and math/science department to me surviving with bulimia and sitting through entire scar treatments without making a sound.
Maybe itll go well. I dont know right now.
Ill just focus on uni for now.
