Honeytrap

Arrogance with a touch of sadness,
a big idiot with a bigger heart.
A little touch of excitement and
now I am back to the start.

A big mysterium, an untold story,
the greatest secret of them all.



I am not able to write poetry. I tried, looking at the screen but my mind cannot put together the words needed to express what I feel. Maybe its the lack of practice. Maybe its my meds. Maybe its that I dont know how I feel. Again.

Whenever I meet new people I try to be weary. Past experience have really shown me that I need to be really careful about who I let into my life and to what extend. That I need to put up boundaries so that I stay safe and especially dont harm anyone else in my life.
It's been a year since I've done something really stupid. Eventless year, full of repeating the same stuff over and over again and not a lot of excitement.
Sometimes I meet new people online and they seem okay, but upon further inspection their intentions are wrong, their interests are wrong, and they do not care about me, just about spending some time with some background noise. Talk a bit, but never look back.
And I can understand that. Its the new age, that is just how things are handled nowadays. And I cant really expect that from people, since I myself dont try to start friendships online.
But it hurts just a bit when again those people who you thought enjoyed your company go somewhere else for the day.


Complaining doesnt help here. Nothing really does.
Its the internet.


But the issue still arises. I want excitement.
And when I meet new people, that is exciting. What will they do, what will they say.
Sometimes I become intrigued with someone. The person ist quite interesting, has a mysterious aura or isnt as readable, which makes it more interesting to conquer.
Most times those are just signs to stop though. Cause as much as I want this person to be friends with, I dont think anything good will come out of it.
This person is everything I shouldnt do, every mistake I ever made combinded.
Someone who lives independently, far away, likes me, dominates me but encourages me. Likes to tease me but also compliments me. Tries to spend time with me, or atleast it seems like it.
But it looks like a trap. Like a sweet dripping honeytrap ready to just catch me and its a struggle everyday to stay away from the temptation.

I sound disgusting. Maybe I am.
I like the pain. I like the struggle. Life seems so boring and bland without it.
Dont bite into it, I tell myself while checking if the person is online again, trying to find an excuse to spend time. I just wanna find out who they are, but thats not it is it? I dont Know.

Again im at a crossroads. Follow the temptation or stay in my low path. In the normal path, the simple path, the one that is safe, yet not so rewardable.

Maybe Im just bored. Thats what I always think when I come upon crossroads like these. Im just bored, looking for something new. Im not interested, just want a quick taste, and then back to the safe life btu that isnt how life works, is it? Life is harsh and linear. Maybe Im just bored.
But the honeytrap is tempting.

I wonder if they know

I wonder if they know,
how behind my smile and fassade,
my doubt and selfhatred remains,
how and where my sick brain reigns.

I wonder if they know,
that the drugs didnt quiet me down,
little cover they provide from the toxic rain,
that is the hurricane of my brain.

I wonder if they know,
that my heart is still closed off.
How I still barely feel love or trust,
anyone, even though i must.

I wonder if they know,
how my smile is a lie.
Hiding a fucked up mind,
even though I act so kind.

I wonder if they know,
how even though I am happy,
my thoughts remain the same.

I wonder if they know. 

Lose Control

"Love is a sickness, an addiction, overdose..."  - Exo, Overdose

Expressing what I feel,
expressing what I want.
Showing my vulnarability,
being completely blunt.

How I want to trust you,
completely, without fear,
to be completely without walls,
just us two being near.

How I want to look into your eyes,
without that nasty voice in my head,
screaming at the top of its lungs,
about all what they have said.

About what happened in my past,
about all the times they wronged me.
About all the times that I let down my walls,
just to witness, just to see.

How trust got used,
how my little heart broke again,
how pain killed my love,
leaving cloud and rain.

Im so terrified of that,
that not even this love I feel,
can remedy what has happened.
On my heart  there is a seal.

I want to lose control,
open it, let it free, just be myself.
Just be free with you.
But I dont think that I can do it alone. 
Help me.

The desire to be loved

Why do I have this strong desire,
to want people to love me?
Why do I need their attention,
why do I need this codependency?

I need the friendship, I need the care,
I need people around me everywhere.
But not too many, or too often,
cause then my mental walls would soften.

When I get friends, I start to break,
its just gets to much for me to take.
My demons start to scream much more,
destroying my happiness to the core.

I fall back into my own old hell,
the one im used to, that I know so well.
And then again, life is filled with pain,
driving me back to being insane.

But what was it that started this,
what did i oversee, what did i miss?
Because I was happy, wasnt i?
saying it made me sad would be a lie.

I wanted love, which they gave me,
yet there is not hope for me to see.
So what happened between give and receive?
What happened to make my happiness leave?

It was my demons, am I right?
they made me ask for help to find the light,
but also made this friendship a knife,
so that I would never be painlessly happy in my life.

What I desire the most,
hurts the most.
Ironic, isnt it?

the issue with trust (Can I trust you?)

I trust you , that is right,
have for years, without doubt.
But what happened yesterday,
makes me wonder what trust is about.

It was a "mistake", that's what you said,
but what f a mistake becomes the norm?
So from that thoughtless trust,
fear, panic, insecurities were born.

I look at you, my hear beats fast,
afraid to be hurt again.
No words can heal that,
not time, nothing can.

You ask for trust, so often now,
each time stabbing your knife into me.
You think its okay, don't understand
why I cry, why can't you see?

What you did, broke my trust,
unrepairable, I may say.
And nothing you do or ask or write,
will make that (or me) okay.