Honeytrap

Arrogance with a touch of sadness,
a big idiot with a bigger heart.
A little touch of excitement and
now I am back to the start.

A big mysterium, an untold story,
the greatest secret of them all.



I am not able to write poetry. I tried, looking at the screen but my mind cannot put together the words needed to express what I feel. Maybe its the lack of practice. Maybe its my meds. Maybe its that I dont know how I feel. Again.

Whenever I meet new people I try to be weary. Past experience have really shown me that I need to be really careful about who I let into my life and to what extend. That I need to put up boundaries so that I stay safe and especially dont harm anyone else in my life.
It's been a year since I've done something really stupid. Eventless year, full of repeating the same stuff over and over again and not a lot of excitement.
Sometimes I meet new people online and they seem okay, but upon further inspection their intentions are wrong, their interests are wrong, and they do not care about me, just about spending some time with some background noise. Talk a bit, but never look back.
And I can understand that. Its the new age, that is just how things are handled nowadays. And I cant really expect that from people, since I myself dont try to start friendships online.
But it hurts just a bit when again those people who you thought enjoyed your company go somewhere else for the day.


Complaining doesnt help here. Nothing really does.
Its the internet.


But the issue still arises. I want excitement.
And when I meet new people, that is exciting. What will they do, what will they say.
Sometimes I become intrigued with someone. The person ist quite interesting, has a mysterious aura or isnt as readable, which makes it more interesting to conquer.
Most times those are just signs to stop though. Cause as much as I want this person to be friends with, I dont think anything good will come out of it.
This person is everything I shouldnt do, every mistake I ever made combinded.
Someone who lives independently, far away, likes me, dominates me but encourages me. Likes to tease me but also compliments me. Tries to spend time with me, or atleast it seems like it.
But it looks like a trap. Like a sweet dripping honeytrap ready to just catch me and its a struggle everyday to stay away from the temptation.

I sound disgusting. Maybe I am.
I like the pain. I like the struggle. Life seems so boring and bland without it.
Dont bite into it, I tell myself while checking if the person is online again, trying to find an excuse to spend time. I just wanna find out who they are, but thats not it is it? I dont Know.

Again im at a crossroads. Follow the temptation or stay in my low path. In the normal path, the simple path, the one that is safe, yet not so rewardable.

Maybe Im just bored. Thats what I always think when I come upon crossroads like these. Im just bored, looking for something new. Im not interested, just want a quick taste, and then back to the safe life btu that isnt how life works, is it? Life is harsh and linear. Maybe Im just bored.
But the honeytrap is tempting.

Love?

I've been looking for it for a while.
Wanna know how many love/sex partners I had in a year. way too much for me.
its a normal number maybe. idk how normal humans work, i can just speak for myself but its not me while it is exactly me.
i like to give. i like to make my friends happy. and when they ask for something they most of the time get it. even if i seem cheerful and motivated, that might just be fake because i feel like i have to do this for you. shitty, ik, and therefore i dont blame any of the friends for past years encounter. I actually dont blame any of my boyfriends. besides maybe amadeus because he broke down so fast and almost took me with him but i suppose i made him come out of his shell of cover and was the needle that broke the camels back.
Ayy look at aki doing the english.

last year was wild.
i started with a relationship that went actually pretty well, it was long distance but it was serious. until he started .. or me. idk anymore. we broke apart, he took it pretty well, and then i drove to the next boy, and i think after a day or so we kissed and had sex. ui thats me. idk about this one. we did not wanted a relationship because it would have been long distance so it was basically fwb but like idk. i dont like fuckin. i dont. its stupid and sweaty. i like cuddling though.
anyways, we went on my first roadtrip and my first vacation without my parents that isnt a science camp together. he paid for most of it and my dad wanted to repay him but i have asked him several times for something that i need to repay him and he hasnt delivered in 7 months so oh well.
after that he visited me regularily. it became relationshippy.
and especially when he would visit me while i had uni it made me extremely uncomfortable. because besides me already being in a shitty mood, void taking over most of the time, i couldnt even relax at home because humans. I dont know till this day why him being there was bothering me so much, we were good friends at the time and i genuinly enjoyed spending time with him.
But jonas realized what negative influence him being there it was for me and one day after the day before he semi forcibly took sex jonas decided to take the leaver.
Was it rape? no. it was more of a situation that i did not like sex but sometimes i would say no and then still give in and i guess that made my no invaluable. that was the first time i faked to come too.
But for jonas the situation was obvious and he was like send that guy home or ill go home with you and throw him out. so i did after crying a lot. he cried too. i think he had never expected such an outcome. that night while he was driving he texted me a lot of toxic things, like "i feel like im dying" or "i might crash this car and it would be your fault" but i spent the night at jonas place basically crying but i was safe.
the next thing didnt eeven happen a month ago. maybe it did. memories shit ya know.
i was talking to a friend about sexual fantasies, some dick sucking happend until void took over and i kinda just layed there naked with my face in balls. lovely times, i fuckin know. The boy is a good friend though, even now. we just click very good.
Then the threesome came. oh geez, how i regret this evening. the only time i did some sex without having any feelings for the other person/people. it wasnt bad, i liked being chocked while giving a blow job but i did get very drunk to forget most of the things that happened in the evening, including both of them pleasuring me and like .. no. im glad i forgot that for the most part.
Then the relationships started again. havent stopped being single for like 3 months although i have been with my current week only for exactly one week.
First online relationship. A guy i really enjoyed talking to until i realized that his world was gaming. a few games. he didnt have any other depth to himself. none. his personality was strictly gaming. but he is already in a relationship again so no problemo. although he did some toxic af stuff afterwards like accusing me of stalking his female friend which i wasnt, i was literally doing my job as a mod of a teamspeak but k i stalked her sorry i havent been on that teamspeak a lot since that.
Then came ollie. im saying his name. oh geez that manipulating bastard. that called me his woman and his wife before we even dated for a week. and i loved him. so dearly. but like, it was long distance. and he was zero affectioned online, barely talked to me in months, etc. when i asked him to stop he didnt say anything. it was a bdsm relatio9nship, so he controlled a lot of the shit that i did. wasnt allowed to color or cut my hair for example. or to cuddle with my friends and i fuckin love cuddling. so i broke that off 8 days ago i think. the next day i started dating my current boyfriend. yeah im a slut ik thanks for mentioning now stfu

and i dont wanna be a cheesy kid. i did say with ollie as well that it would be my last relationship, but i do think that that was influenced by the fact how often he fuckin called me that. how fast he was about that. how he wouldnt let me go. also he told me that i was just looking for reasons to seperate because im a shitty person and oh men he is an arsehole. "do you have another guy" yes i have but thanks for assuming that, now please be fuckin nice. your not 15. although i do think that he was that in his head. everything in his head was bodybuilding, gaming or singing. flat personality. good that i left him.

anyways, back to the current relationship.
ive known this guy basically the entire time at uni minus maybe a few months. and he was there for me, cared for me, was my guardian, took me to therapy, let me sleep over, we watched series together etc. he witnessed all the relationship drama and still thinks that im a good person. He is smart, very caring and he allows me to have cats later. the entire week he has being coming over every day. its wonderful.
its innocent. we lay in bed, cuddling, for hour. or just sleep. cook together. its the pure kind of love i never had because my relationships were either long distance or my partner wasnt that kind of pure person. it has been a wonderful week. yes we had some cuddling not very clothed etc but like we are grownups. leave us alone.
anyways i feel like if he was the person to spend my life with, i definitly would have a happy life.
and the smile that i get whenever he cuddles with me is insane. when he speaks. etc.
im cheesy. sorry.

aki out.
(thats even more cheesy? well cheese is nice so fuck u)

Too much

How are you supposed to stay strong,
when your friends break apart,
how are you supposed to smile,
when their life becomes hard.

How are you supposed to stand by,
when there is no way to relieve their pain,
How are you supposed to just watch,
while their sadness drives them insane.

When they are so near tears,
their voices breaking,
hushed voices trying to cover up,
that they are suffocating.

I can't help you.
Whats my purpose.
Why would I live. 

Lose Control

"Love is a sickness, an addiction, overdose..."  - Exo, Overdose

Expressing what I feel,
expressing what I want.
Showing my vulnarability,
being completely blunt.

How I want to trust you,
completely, without fear,
to be completely without walls,
just us two being near.

How I want to look into your eyes,
without that nasty voice in my head,
screaming at the top of its lungs,
about all what they have said.

About what happened in my past,
about all the times they wronged me.
About all the times that I let down my walls,
just to witness, just to see.

How trust got used,
how my little heart broke again,
how pain killed my love,
leaving cloud and rain.

Im so terrified of that,
that not even this love I feel,
can remedy what has happened.
On my heart  there is a seal.

I want to lose control,
open it, let it free, just be myself.
Just be free with you.
But I dont think that I can do it alone. 
Help me.

Asexual

As our lips touch,
forgotten thought,
emerges from my brain,
as if im getting caught.

I know what it is,
that I tried so hard to forget.
That I cried so often about,
that filled me with black regret.

That little huge thing,
that makes me so weird.
That huge little thing,
Like a girl with a beard.

I feel his heart beating,
his hands are shaking,
as they find their way on my back,
his emotions raging.

But my heart is cold,
I feel the warmth, yes,
the physical reaction,
human reaction, happening controllless.

But I don't feel the love,
I dont love him anymore.
Never had, never will.
Its more like im bored.

I know its a mistake,
but im just trying to be nice,
although I already know,
this mistake comes with a price.

Ill rip apart his heart again,
but Im to weak to forsaken him this,
he's my only friend here,
so I gave him this kiss.

Feeling nothing but regret,
and fear of what is to come.
Because I dont love him.
And I never will.
Because I cant. 

the issue with trust (Can I trust you?)

I trust you , that is right,
have for years, without doubt.
But what happened yesterday,
makes me wonder what trust is about.

It was a "mistake", that's what you said,
but what f a mistake becomes the norm?
So from that thoughtless trust,
fear, panic, insecurities were born.

I look at you, my hear beats fast,
afraid to be hurt again.
No words can heal that,
not time, nothing can.

You ask for trust, so often now,
each time stabbing your knife into me.
You think its okay, don't understand
why I cry, why can't you see?

What you did, broke my trust,
unrepairable, I may say.
And nothing you do or ask or write,
will make that (or me) okay.