I want a good grade for fighting for my life

 I sit here. 

Its just past midnight. I wouldve been out for longer, but my friend needs to work tomorrow. I've consumed. It was just weed but it has reached levels that i woudlnt have thought off in my wildest dreams. This has become the new normal. Get home from work and smoke a little bit to escape for the three hours i have at home before i need to go to sleep to wake up to work. 

Is this an addiction? I cannot say. I know that I had a very similar problem around my twenties with alcohol. But I have 100% overcome this. 

So i dont know if this is just a step in me becoming. 

or, you know, me becoming an addict. 

but its fine. 

because while it cloacks me in that soft mist that fills out all my imperfections. Suddenly I appear tolerable. And that is apparently the best feeling I can dream off. 

I know I am suffering. 

But I do not know wether it is because I am depressed or me being scared to death of me faking all of this. Am I doing this to be special or is it me? Is it my nature or just good acting? 

I know a happy normal person wouldn't ask themselves these questions, therefore I qualify and have nothing to worry about. I am not "faking". 

But maybe that is just a clever thought out story I tell myself to live in peace because the truth is worse? What if I am worse? Maybe I am a genius, that has thought of all possible scenarios and has prepared exactly for this? Will I ever really know. 

I dont think there is an answer but there is a peace in accepting that youre okay. 

You are not taking up space that you do not deserve. You are sick and it is fine. You are not just pretending for attention. It is fine. Everything will be fine. 

My friends love me. More than I could ever love myself. And because of that love I need to protect them by not deserting them. I will be a good human because they deserve to be friends with reliable good humans. So thats what I am going to be. 

If the people around you are genuinly annoyed by your presence they will leave. they will not stay out of politeness, that is a you-thing. So if they are staying, they are good people. 

is this incoherent? it doesnt feel like that right now. Maybe its the drugs. Maybe 

im okay i think. 

"forgetting"

 Just take your meds they say, 

then the pain will go away. 

But I know I deserve this pain, 

this selfhatred that is driving me insane. 

It is all I know and all I have, 

there is just nothing else left. 

Another day, another night passes by. 

I know I forgot the drugs, I sigh, 

I know I should take them I know they'll help, 

"but why would you do this", the voice yelps. 

"You know that you deserve this, 

you know that you are total shit, 

worthless, broken and a waste of air. 

It is not like anyone will care. "

So the sadness comes back, 

my hands start shaking again. 

Barely leaving my bed, 

Im just as useless as they said.

"Here's the proof" the voice says, 

"You're as useless, as you remember", 

a bit louder this time, just like

it is losing its temper. 

And there I fall again, 

back into the darkness embrace'

because thats what I deserve, 

I guess I am a hopeless case. 

What if my excuse of depression doesn't count one day?

 What if my excuse of depression doesn't count one day? 
My perceived sadness and exhaustion doesn't get a say, 
I get called out for my laziness and that I am actually okay. 

What if all this is just a big ass show, 

and in reality i am just slow. 

I guess you reap what you sow. 

What if I really just hurt myself for attention, 

what if all my scars are just another extension, 

of my self love and my narcissm dimension? 

What if my attempt to end this fuckin life, 

was just another way to experience the knife, 

and the thrill of being alive. 

What if I am really just useless. 

Lose Control

"Love is a sickness, an addiction, overdose..."  - Exo, Overdose

Expressing what I feel,
expressing what I want.
Showing my vulnarability,
being completely blunt.

How I want to trust you,
completely, without fear,
to be completely without walls,
just us two being near.

How I want to look into your eyes,
without that nasty voice in my head,
screaming at the top of its lungs,
about all what they have said.

About what happened in my past,
about all the times they wronged me.
About all the times that I let down my walls,
just to witness, just to see.

How trust got used,
how my little heart broke again,
how pain killed my love,
leaving cloud and rain.

Im so terrified of that,
that not even this love I feel,
can remedy what has happened.
On my heart  there is a seal.

I want to lose control,
open it, let it free, just be myself.
Just be free with you.
But I dont think that I can do it alone. 
Help me.