420 blaze it

 my friend told me that i have it good. 

Got a job, a loving wonderful partner, new flat and a degree. 

So why am I still sad? 

I don't think he meant it in the way I'm interpreting it. I'm probably just drawing the devil at the wall, or however that saying goes. But for depression it doesn't matter how good you have it. 

I understand that I should happy, and that makes being upset even more frustrating. Not only am I sad, but now I also feel guilty for feeling sad. Wonderful combination of emotions really. 

I am finally out of survivor mode and able to reflect on my life. Maybe try some therapy. Its not only about surviving, now we are trying the living thing. 

and I dont want to do that because I could do it wrong. I don't want to reflect on my life. I don't want to work through trauma, because that will be difficult. I don't want to be an adult and responsible. 

i am exististing and there is nothing i can do to stop that (atleast not approved methods) so i might need to make the best out of it. Atleast i got good friends? 

also pretty sure im addicted to the 420, but its all a work in progress

I should apologize for being myself

 I should apologize for being myself, 

for the way my voice sounds, my arms flail around, 

the way my humor will always insult someone. 

I should apologize for being myself, 

my sick, depressed self, that doesnt offer anything, 

yet takes and takes and takes. 

Why are people friends with me? I seem to just be a burden. 

Maybe they feel good about helping a person. 

I suppose that might be reason. Stupid reason. 

please end this

I am worried

I am worried. 

I am worried about money. I dont have enough. Not to sometimes order out when I dont feel like cooking, but also not to buy myself something new if a thing breaks. My mouse is broken. It's movement is slowing down more and more and while I can still adjust the Speed on the Computer to counterbalance it, this is only a temporary solution and there is only so far the speed can go. 

I am worried about my mental health. I pretend that I am fine most of the time and I dont have any really bad episodes since Im still doing quite a lot of work (a lot of uni online lectures and some tasks), but i know it soon wont be enough. Soon those couple of hours of work, 8 hours of lectures per week plus some time with other tasks wont be enough. I already feel it slipping away, feeling like no matter how much I do I am never enough. How I want to continue for another hour and another and when I inevitably give up I feel like a failure. Even now Im watching a lecture while writing this and I missed a couple minutes. 

I am worried about my selfharm. I would love to start cutting again. I kind of already have, though its well hidden. And I know how quickly I would escalate. The only thing holding me back right now is that my boyfriend would be upset. Nothing else. Scary, innit. 

I am worried about my cats. I never can really read if they are happy. One moment I feel like they love me, when Poro massages my chests in the morning or when Ichi is on my lap, eyes closed and somewhat cuddled into my arms. But then they shout again, or they leave to quickly. They hide on the bed or move somewhat weird. And I start to worry. Apart from that I am constantly worried that they might be sick. I would just keep getting them checked because thats like 20 euros but travelling to the vet means taking a taxi (or causing great discomfort for the cats and me) which costs 50 euros if im lucky, sometimes even more. 

I am worried about my medication. While I have quite a lot of my sleeping/calming medication, my antidepressants are more or less empty. I have a couple of doses left to keep for really bad days, but besides that I am fucked. I tried to get some more, but ended up in a telephone chain. 

I am worried about my sleeping schedule. It is 8 am and I havent yet slept. I dont feel too tired, but I never do until its too late. I feel a slight cloud setting on my brain, but that is pleasant. I cant hate myself as much if I am slightly dazed. 

I am worried about what I eat. I am constantly reminded that whatever I cook, ill have to clean again. and While that wouldnt be too bad, if i want to eat something healthy i have problems with portion sizes and that i just dont have enough pots, not enough places on the stove. And the healthier the meal, the more different ingredients i need to prepare and the more ill need to clean afterwards. 

I am just worried and Id like to stop spending my time worrying, and would like to sometimes maybe live. 

everything is not wrong

hi. it has been a while.

im 21 now. way too old. older than i ever thought id live. ive been fighting with my depression and am now on medication, to keep my serotonin levels up. since after years of pretending apparently i actually have a problem. or i always had. i dont know. im never sure about me. what aspects are just those that i want, those i imagine, those that my parents tell me that i am or those that my sick brain sees.

the drugs seem to work. ive finished half of university in just a bit of time more than usual. i still hate myself and think im not worth anything, but atleast i work. its not paralyzing anymore and as long as i dont think about it, its fine. just suppress it. fake it till you make it. the old drill.

normally during the days im pretty fine. unless somthing stressful comes up. but its 5 am and im still awake and then my medication starts to wear off i guess, or its the darkness or whatever, but i get way sadder.
ive been having trouble going to sleep at a decent time for a bit over a week now. maybe longer. but i just have these wonderful dreams and then i wake up and live is still shitty and boring. especially since i often dream of sacrificing myself, which is the ultimate goal of my sick brain, so it starts relaxing and accepting, and then i wake up and realize that it was "only just a dream", to quote a song.

its so upsetting that ive been avoiding going to sleep for far too much time. and then i sleep a lot and wake up at 6 pm. wasted days, that just make me even more depressed. like a nice demonic cycle of depression. a spiral almost. unhealthy, but its difficult to break it.
even though i have sleep medication, its not working as well anymore, so even though i used to be able to just take my meds and knock out, i cant anymore, so im just in bed, thinking, for too long about not nice things.


but hey, some positives maybe.
im still in a relationship with the guy from uni. a bit over a year now. it is very nice. he has his moods and quirks but i love him a lot. my head though, that motherfucker just tries to find every excuse to destroy my life. from things like "youre not good enough for you" to "he only wants the sex" to " you deserve better, he is too perfect" it just makes it very difficult to be happy. i cant really bring it up to him though, since he is just started warming up to me. it was very difficult for him to be just himself and careless and happy while i was very sick a year ago, so now that i am healthier, his personality florishes. and i dont wanna ruin it, he looks very happy.

yes very positive. im just writing this down as i think, which is probably not the best way to do this. but it porbably doesnt make any coherent sense, but i do find it nice to read. atleast i rly liked my writing style form a year ago, its so similar to my speech pattern that i feel like i have stagnated in this year. just stayed the same. boring old kid, that knows nothing of the world and just wants for all too end because its just soo much, so much that i cannot handle.

Life is overwhelming right now. Just a tiny bit overwhelming.
But im used to overwhelming challenges, from my dad always pushing me in sport and math/science department to me surviving with bulimia and sitting through entire scar treatments without making a sound.
Maybe itll go well. I dont know right now.
Ill just focus on uni for now. 

I wonder if they know

I wonder if they know,
how behind my smile and fassade,
my doubt and selfhatred remains,
how and where my sick brain reigns.

I wonder if they know,
that the drugs didnt quiet me down,
little cover they provide from the toxic rain,
that is the hurricane of my brain.

I wonder if they know,
that my heart is still closed off.
How I still barely feel love or trust,
anyone, even though i must.

I wonder if they know,
how my smile is a lie.
Hiding a fucked up mind,
even though I act so kind.

I wonder if they know,
how even though I am happy,
my thoughts remain the same.

I wonder if they know. 

shut up to protect them

Turning my sadness into a joke,
helps me, but not them, not you.
It helps me to cope and smile,
but you dont know what to do.

You feel bad for me,
and as I smile your frown grows.
Your voice becomes quieter,
and my evil self just knows.

I did it again. I made you sad.
With just my words, loud and clear.
Pushed you over the edge, barely holding on.
and I dont want to make you sad my dear.

I need to shut up, I say,
instantly regretting it,
when you stop mid sentence,
I know what I did.

Shut up, I say in my head.
Shut up, shut up shut up.
They shouldnt know.
They shouldnt know whats up.

I dont want to make you asd.
I should shut up to protect you.
You know what? I will. 

Because I hate myself

Staying up until 5 am,
never resting, never calm,
always on the edge of me,
because I hate myself.

Spitting out food,
throwing up dinner,
just wanting to be thinner,
because I hate myself.

Never talking to anyone,
barely smiling, barely looking,
keeping my head down,
because I hate myself.

Parting skin,
slicing deeper and deeper,
blood as fresh as I love it,
because I hate myself.

I hate myself,
and I don't think that I can stop.

My choice

Is it my choice to be sick,
is it me who causes me harm?
Is it my doing that I cry at night,
picturing my future without any light.

And if its my doing,
than who am I to call for help?
Shouldn't I punish the monster,
punish the sick soul that is there.

Shouldn't I inflict pain,
on who caused all this pain for me.
Shouldn't I gave them the punishment,
that it gave to me?

But than there is the side,
that if it was me who did it.
Shouldn't i stop the crying,
the selfharm, the hiding, the lying.

Shouldn't I take the chance,
to finally be happy and smile a bit?
Without those chains holding me back,
could I just be that innocent kid.

Shouldn't I just
try it for once? 
Try.
To be happy.

untitled #3

I think it says a shitton about how I feel about you by the way that even the thought that you might be in the same supermarket as me, even if its absurd, is making me have a panic attack and I cant watch old videos that i made to "save the moment" because Im scared of the memories or how I have nightmares about you visiting my flat and coming inside although I could juat not let you in but I know myself, I know that i will do it just like last time when you came and stole a kiss you didn't deserve.
Or how I still keep your note and remember your face so dearly, how I cant hear certain songs without wanting to cry.
I dont know how to let go even though I should. But then again. Does it really matter.

What Are Friends For Me

when can you trust a person,
when can you call them friends,
when can you trust them.
Who will follow until your life ends?

I trusted you, with my life,
was about to put it in your hands,
at your mercy, at your will.
now I can see how far my trust bends.

I don't care about safety,
don't care about love or me.
I don't care if youre a good person,
or a evil devil wannabe.

I'll throw myself at you,
for the smallest shard of attention,
to fill the void inside of me,
but your love was a beautiful deception.

I cut myself open on it,
tearing through my heart and soul.
Bleeding and crying,
but not letting go.

Because I would rather die clinging to another person who is hurting me,
than to live with myself again.
Because I would rather let someone who I love destroy me,
than to face my own demons again.
Because I would rather get abused helping someone else,
than to help myself.
Because I would rather swallow my tears to hold you and tell you
"it's going to be okay",
than to face the fact that I am insane.

Lose Control

"Love is a sickness, an addiction, overdose..."  - Exo, Overdose

Expressing what I feel,
expressing what I want.
Showing my vulnarability,
being completely blunt.

How I want to trust you,
completely, without fear,
to be completely without walls,
just us two being near.

How I want to look into your eyes,
without that nasty voice in my head,
screaming at the top of its lungs,
about all what they have said.

About what happened in my past,
about all the times they wronged me.
About all the times that I let down my walls,
just to witness, just to see.

How trust got used,
how my little heart broke again,
how pain killed my love,
leaving cloud and rain.

Im so terrified of that,
that not even this love I feel,
can remedy what has happened.
On my heart  there is a seal.

I want to lose control,
open it, let it free, just be myself.
Just be free with you.
But I dont think that I can do it alone. 
Help me.

Enjoy the pain until I can die

"It's better for you",
I say before I close the path.
Tears glistering in my eyes,
my depression having its last laugh.

Completely alone,
"friends" who left me again,
cause i was too different,
for them too insane.

I mean, I deserve it,
in the end its my fault.
Now its time to enjoy this,
to pour salt in my wounds.

Here is what you get,
enjoy this sweet pain.
While I gather the strength,
to kill hope with rain.

Soon it will be over,
you can finally sleep.
That sleep that is final,
a thousand miles deep.

Just wait few more days,
few more weeks, just a bit.
Enjoy the pain a bit more,
until I finally call it quit.

untitled #2

I bolt up when I look at the clock. Again I slept too much.
Used to having only a few minutes to get ready I jump out of my bed, starting to pick up some clothes from the ground just to decide to wear the same as yesterday. A quick glance in the mirror assures me to skip breakfast, as the fat aquired during the past few months could probably bring me through the next month or two without me even slightly looking thin.
I push my laptop in a bag, my keys in my pocket and I'm off.
Headphones blasting music in my ears help me to cope with the world around me while I feel like everyone is judging the fattie sitting on the tram with two bags.
As I arrive at uni I try to pick a place that hasn't too much people crowed there. I often succeed since no one wants to sit in the front, and so I spend the next two hours listening to mathematics that I already know, turning my pen around in my hands and checking my phone for messages that wont come because why would anyone text me?
When the class is over I slowly put my stuff away, bracing myself for the social interaction I am about to encounter, just to decide that today, I won't annoy anyone, that I won't waste anyones time with my existence.
I almost run to my next class, I catch a glance of the people who I spent my evenings learning with, hear their laughter and look at the ground so that no one can see the tears standing in my eyes again.
Weak.
I choose a place so far in the back that I most certainly won't see the blackboard but seeing it wouldn't change a thing anyways since I am just a stupid kid that won't achieve anything in life either way.
In the front I can see the back of the heads of people that I know. I would assume they are looking for me, but since I know how useless I am I am sure that they are relieved that they don't have to be around me today.
I barely listen to the lecture as I am trying to hide the fact that tears are almost streaming down my face. It's good that I picked a place this far back, no one is looking at me anyways.
After the lesson I freeze as my friends make their way up the stairs, ´before I hide beneath my table as they are looking around. I wait a few minutes until I am sure that they are gone before packing my stuff and quickly leaving, trying to think of a place where I can learn without bumping into anyone (aka annoying them). The library seems like my only option.
I quickly put my stuff in one of the lockers, only taking my folder and laptop, and hide myself for the next few hours between maths and science, desperatly trying to convince myself that I am not as stupid as I tell myself that I am.
Late in the evening I come home, after another exhausting tram ride full of people that were pressing against me. I pick something from the fridge, I don't even care, indulding myself in calories as my brain turns off for a bit. Thank god for eating disorders, although I'd prefer if I could purge but I don't wanna strain my relationship with my roommates even more. Maybe I should try throwing up in plastic bags again as I used to do at home and in my old flat, but where would I put that stuff?
So I just gain more weight, become more of a ball and hate myself more.
It's midnight when I am able to start gaming. Some people are online, I am talking, but I am constantly scared of someone getting mad at me, or even worse, me getting excited, happy and people muting me because I am just so annoying. It happened before.
I play shit, as perusual, ending in a depressed episode with tears streaming.
"I'm going to sleep, thanks for the games" I type in the chat before turning off Teamspeak, turning off the internet on my pc.
I know what I am going to do, it's obvious. But I try to delay it either way, staring at the silver metal laying beneath my computer screen. As I slowly grab it I catch a glance at my reflection in it, a fat face that is even more puffier due to crying.
As I place it on my skin, knowing that I deserve this pain, I cry once more only to be quiet and just feeling my deserved punishment.
I watch the blood pouring down my arm for a bit, if I even was able to get that deep, before trying to patch myself up, going to bed and falling asleep after crying some more, clutching my dog toy wanting it to be a human that could ease my pain for a bit.
But I am alone.
And always will be. 

The desire to be loved

Why do I have this strong desire,
to want people to love me?
Why do I need their attention,
why do I need this codependency?

I need the friendship, I need the care,
I need people around me everywhere.
But not too many, or too often,
cause then my mental walls would soften.

When I get friends, I start to break,
its just gets to much for me to take.
My demons start to scream much more,
destroying my happiness to the core.

I fall back into my own old hell,
the one im used to, that I know so well.
And then again, life is filled with pain,
driving me back to being insane.

But what was it that started this,
what did i oversee, what did i miss?
Because I was happy, wasnt i?
saying it made me sad would be a lie.

I wanted love, which they gave me,
yet there is not hope for me to see.
So what happened between give and receive?
What happened to make my happiness leave?

It was my demons, am I right?
they made me ask for help to find the light,
but also made this friendship a knife,
so that I would never be painlessly happy in my life.

What I desire the most,
hurts the most.
Ironic, isnt it?

When the morning comes

And when the morning comes,
His spirit breaks,
Another night's gone by.
Where he did nothing but to lie.

The room is quiet,
His friends breaths fill it out,
But yet he feels so alone.
As if everyone else has gone.

His eyes are dry but he wishes
They werent. To show the pain inside.
His torture everyday goes by,
Tbh he wants to die.

The pain grows stronger;
He clenches his fist,
Bites his tongue praying 

That they won't notice.

But they are asleep,
They didnt care, are they your friends?
You are so broken yet they cant see, 

maybe its time for you to seize to be.

Curled up in a ball,
Lonely tears on his face.
Breathing and living is hurting.