shut up to protect them

Turning my sadness into a joke,
helps me, but not them, not you.
It helps me to cope and smile,
but you dont know what to do.

You feel bad for me,
and as I smile your frown grows.
Your voice becomes quieter,
and my evil self just knows.

I did it again. I made you sad.
With just my words, loud and clear.
Pushed you over the edge, barely holding on.
and I dont want to make you sad my dear.

I need to shut up, I say,
instantly regretting it,
when you stop mid sentence,
I know what I did.

Shut up, I say in my head.
Shut up, shut up shut up.
They shouldnt know.
They shouldnt know whats up.

I dont want to make you asd.
I should shut up to protect you.
You know what? I will.