Take me back

To when alcohol was something special,
And razors were just for shaving.
When your parents would only get mad at you misbehaving.

To when food was not the enemy,
And loneliness was so rare.
When i could trust my friends to be honest when they said that they care.

To when cigarettes where a no go,
And love didn't seem like a curse.
When you thought failing a class meant it couldn't get worse.

To when you weren't scared to go home,
And your identity was clear.
When gaming was something for fun, not to escape monsters near.

To when making friendships was easy,
And swimming wasn't utter pain.
When going to sleep wouldn't bring terror that made you insane.

To when I was a child,
Innocent and small.
And not a crying mess,
Curled up in a ball.

On the lonely swing of life

Darkness around me, 
I am sitting on my own, 
On a childrens swing, 
Being all alone. 

A small light ingnites, 
I inhale the dust of death, 
Thinking about life, 
How my hope has left. 

Alcohol induced madness, 
Tears streaming down my face, 
But the darkness hides it, 
Here at my lonely place. 

You said you wanted to talk, 
Suddenly my numbness wasnt enough, 
And my depression hit me, 
Suicidal me came back rough. 

I dont know what happend, 
Just that it happened way to fast. 
And suddenly not gaming, 
Not alcohol, nothing would last. 

My brain is shouting at me, 
Telling me to bleed till i die, 
Telling me to leave life behind, 
Leaving my "friends" without goodbye. 

Soon ill be back, right? 
Back home, with nothing stopping me. 
Why would i hold back then, 
There is no light that i see. 

Just a dark swing, 
My terrible body on top of it. 
Swinging back and forth, 
Dying that tiny last bit. 

Lets go home, the voices say, 
Lets go home, itll be okay. 
Lets finally put an end to it, 
To not see the light of day. 

Why am i like this, 
Why cant i be able to live? 
Why cant the voices shut up, 
Why cant they forgive? 

They say i am a bad person, 
I guess they are right. 
I guess i shouldnt be living, 
Guess i shouldnt see the light. 

Lets go back home, 
And punish me for being alive. 
For being this terrible person, 
Lets pick up the knife. 

Its sharp enough, you know. 
And the pain will finally not be. 
They whisper. I cannot not listen. 
I am in pain, dont you see? 

You wanted to help, 
But you just made it worse. 
You did not bless me with your existence, 
And all your words were a curse. 

Now i am on this lonely swing, 
Remembering all my pain. 
How i couldn't be a child, 
How my childhood drove me insane. 

But no, i remember. 
Its my fault, thats what the voices mean. 
And they want me to be dead, 
 Its so loud, it cant be unseen. 

Ill go home and die. 
Its better this way? 
Thats what they mean, 
Thats what they say. 

Lonely swing, 
Robbed childhood, 
Unacceptant parents, 
Me never being good. 

Its the right way,
Thats what they say, 
On the swing of life, 
If youre dead youll finally be okay. 

Just do it.

The desire to be loved

Why do I have this strong desire,
to want people to love me?
Why do I need their attention,
why do I need this codependency?

I need the friendship, I need the care,
I need people around me everywhere.
But not too many, or too often,
cause then my mental walls would soften.

When I get friends, I start to break,
its just gets to much for me to take.
My demons start to scream much more,
destroying my happiness to the core.

I fall back into my own old hell,
the one im used to, that I know so well.
And then again, life is filled with pain,
driving me back to being insane.

But what was it that started this,
what did i oversee, what did i miss?
Because I was happy, wasnt i?
saying it made me sad would be a lie.

I wanted love, which they gave me,
yet there is not hope for me to see.
So what happened between give and receive?
What happened to make my happiness leave?

It was my demons, am I right?
they made me ask for help to find the light,
but also made this friendship a knife,
so that I would never be painlessly happy in my life.

What I desire the most,
hurts the most.
Ironic, isnt it?

When the morning comes

And when the morning comes,
His spirit breaks,
Another night's gone by.
Where he did nothing but to lie.

The room is quiet,
His friends breaths fill it out,
But yet he feels so alone.
As if everyone else has gone.

His eyes are dry but he wishes
They werent. To show the pain inside.
His torture everyday goes by,
Tbh he wants to die.

The pain grows stronger;
He clenches his fist,
Bites his tongue praying 

That they won't notice.

But they are asleep,
They didnt care, are they your friends?
You are so broken yet they cant see, 

maybe its time for you to seize to be.

Curled up in a ball,
Lonely tears on his face.
Breathing and living is hurting.

How to have an Eating Disorder

Step One: Eat. 

Step Two: Hate yourself before, while and after eating. 

And you're done. Have fun :)

Let's end this while there's still light

Just two lost souls,
desperate to find happiness.
But in a fusion together,
our lives became a mess.

We're trying to fix each other,
without cleaning up our own lives.
Which makes our kisses poison,
and our hugs made of knives.

I know that you love me,
and that you're love is true.
But you cannot chain me to yourself,
or ask to hold your hands covered in glue.

I need freedom not a cage,
and while you offer both,
with all this words,
coming out of your mouth.

Even a cage offering freedom,
is a limiting tiny prison.
Yes there are pros, but too
many things can be called  con.

I love you, or so I think,
but what if that feeling is deadly?
We're both young, full of emotion,
can only predict the future badly.

I feel you breaking me,
while fixing me, so what
if I break too much before I'm whole?
This has to be said.

So darling, I'm sorry, but
I can't hold on much longer.
Even though I preach hope to the broken,
I am not much stronger.

I feel like I'm breaking,
and so are you, am I right?
So let's end this before the end,
let's end this while there is still light.

- Aki Silver, 06.08.16 

The body of water that is life - untitled #1

Life seems to be a dark ocean,
Fog stops me from seeing far,
They're trying hard to hunt me down,
But tbh I just want to drown. 

My arms are heavy from swimming long,
My energy is about to fade.
I'd like to stop and have some rest,
To ease the fire in my chest. 

I can barely breathe,
Lungs are filled with water.
If nothing changes and this keeps going on,
It wont be long until im done.

But the ocean doesn't seem to have an end,
My demons start to catch up to me.
The end is near, thats what I see,
I guess this is how it had to be.

- Aki Silver, 18.08.16

the issue with trust (Can I trust you?)

I trust you , that is right,
have for years, without doubt.
But what happened yesterday,
makes me wonder what trust is about.

It was a "mistake", that's what you said,
but what f a mistake becomes the norm?
So from that thoughtless trust,
fear, panic, insecurities were born.

I look at you, my hear beats fast,
afraid to be hurt again.
No words can heal that,
not time, nothing can.

You ask for trust, so often now,
each time stabbing your knife into me.
You think its okay, don't understand
why I cry, why can't you see?

What you did, broke my trust,
unrepairable, I may say.
And nothing you do or ask or write,
will make that (or me) okay.