untitled #2

I bolt up when I look at the clock. Again I slept too much.
Used to having only a few minutes to get ready I jump out of my bed, starting to pick up some clothes from the ground just to decide to wear the same as yesterday. A quick glance in the mirror assures me to skip breakfast, as the fat aquired during the past few months could probably bring me through the next month or two without me even slightly looking thin.
I push my laptop in a bag, my keys in my pocket and I'm off.
Headphones blasting music in my ears help me to cope with the world around me while I feel like everyone is judging the fattie sitting on the tram with two bags.
As I arrive at uni I try to pick a place that hasn't too much people crowed there. I often succeed since no one wants to sit in the front, and so I spend the next two hours listening to mathematics that I already know, turning my pen around in my hands and checking my phone for messages that wont come because why would anyone text me?
When the class is over I slowly put my stuff away, bracing myself for the social interaction I am about to encounter, just to decide that today, I won't annoy anyone, that I won't waste anyones time with my existence.
I almost run to my next class, I catch a glance of the people who I spent my evenings learning with, hear their laughter and look at the ground so that no one can see the tears standing in my eyes again.
Weak.
I choose a place so far in the back that I most certainly won't see the blackboard but seeing it wouldn't change a thing anyways since I am just a stupid kid that won't achieve anything in life either way.
In the front I can see the back of the heads of people that I know. I would assume they are looking for me, but since I know how useless I am I am sure that they are relieved that they don't have to be around me today.
I barely listen to the lecture as I am trying to hide the fact that tears are almost streaming down my face. It's good that I picked a place this far back, no one is looking at me anyways.
After the lesson I freeze as my friends make their way up the stairs, ´before I hide beneath my table as they are looking around. I wait a few minutes until I am sure that they are gone before packing my stuff and quickly leaving, trying to think of a place where I can learn without bumping into anyone (aka annoying them). The library seems like my only option.
I quickly put my stuff in one of the lockers, only taking my folder and laptop, and hide myself for the next few hours between maths and science, desperatly trying to convince myself that I am not as stupid as I tell myself that I am.
Late in the evening I come home, after another exhausting tram ride full of people that were pressing against me. I pick something from the fridge, I don't even care, indulding myself in calories as my brain turns off for a bit. Thank god for eating disorders, although I'd prefer if I could purge but I don't wanna strain my relationship with my roommates even more. Maybe I should try throwing up in plastic bags again as I used to do at home and in my old flat, but where would I put that stuff?
So I just gain more weight, become more of a ball and hate myself more.
It's midnight when I am able to start gaming. Some people are online, I am talking, but I am constantly scared of someone getting mad at me, or even worse, me getting excited, happy and people muting me because I am just so annoying. It happened before.
I play shit, as perusual, ending in a depressed episode with tears streaming.
"I'm going to sleep, thanks for the games" I type in the chat before turning off Teamspeak, turning off the internet on my pc.
I know what I am going to do, it's obvious. But I try to delay it either way, staring at the silver metal laying beneath my computer screen. As I slowly grab it I catch a glance at my reflection in it, a fat face that is even more puffier due to crying.
As I place it on my skin, knowing that I deserve this pain, I cry once more only to be quiet and just feeling my deserved punishment.
I watch the blood pouring down my arm for a bit, if I even was able to get that deep, before trying to patch myself up, going to bed and falling asleep after crying some more, clutching my dog toy wanting it to be a human that could ease my pain for a bit.
But I am alone.
And always will be. 

Destroyed emotion

I have become a monster,
when I chose to numb my pain,
by destroying my heart.
Because I couldnt stay sane.

Being human destroyed me,
so I destroyed what was human.
But now having emotions, love,
is nothing that I can. 

Small heart,
shivering in my chest,
surrounded by a cold deep darkness,
torturing it without rest.

It has been a slow process,
the darkness crawled from its little spot,
through my veines everywhere,
making my emotions rot.

Overtaking everything,
that was human about me,
leaving a broken dark machine,
that is what I have become to be.

It is screaming so loudly,
sometimes I can even hear it,
screaming and crying out of pain,
but I dont care the tiniest bit.

I walk around,
surrounded by a cloud of night,
the madness coming from no control,
lights up my eyes so bright.

No one walks close by anymore,
people have left me for good,
my hearts screams even louder,
but it cant destroy my mood.

It draws red lines on my skin,
but they just add to my dark look, I smile.
Now everyone will think I am mad,
that i am disgusting and vile.

I think I might even be happy,
if I only could feel. 

What I Would Have Done

Dear Grandma.

You died 2 weeks ago.
I didn't know about it.
I moved out, away,
broke off contact but a bit.

"I need to inform you that grandma died.",
Mum I know you meant well saying this,
but why wait 2 weeks with it.
Is it because you know I wouldn't miss, her?

And I don't what went through me,
hearing this final message yesterday.
A bolt of sharp deep roaring pain,
suddenly my life was less okay.

I just sat numb there, tears rolling
over my cheeks, a deepening sadness,
emerging from my soul, shaking me trhough,
until it left my insides a mess.

But why is this happening,
I wonder, I barely talked to her anyways?
A few words, a few smiles,
and then we went our ways.

I know it was wrong,
but I thought I had time,
time to later repay,
that we had another day.

But I didn't, I know that now,
and it hurts so much more,
knowing what I couldve done better,
what I did wrong.

I wouldn't have ignored your calls,
talked to you more than 07:13.
Wouldve remember to record that song,
you and granddad sang when I turned 18.

Would've made memories,
instead of hiding away.
And now my insanity,
takes another part of my day.

I should've been a better grandson,
or better, granddaughter,
me being special,
just caused so much slaughter.

I wish I could've been a better grandkid,
grand ma, I am so sorry.
But now you are hopefully at peace,
in a place without worry.

I hope that I can make you proud,
watch me slay at life.
For you I will try,
to fight my demons with knives.

Grandma, I am sorry.
For I was wrong.
Because I still have time,
but not with you. 

Asexual

As our lips touch,
forgotten thought,
emerges from my brain,
as if im getting caught.

I know what it is,
that I tried so hard to forget.
That I cried so often about,
that filled me with black regret.

That little huge thing,
that makes me so weird.
That huge little thing,
Like a girl with a beard.

I feel his heart beating,
his hands are shaking,
as they find their way on my back,
his emotions raging.

But my heart is cold,
I feel the warmth, yes,
the physical reaction,
human reaction, happening controllless.

But I don't feel the love,
I dont love him anymore.
Never had, never will.
Its more like im bored.

I know its a mistake,
but im just trying to be nice,
although I already know,
this mistake comes with a price.

Ill rip apart his heart again,
but Im to weak to forsaken him this,
he's my only friend here,
so I gave him this kiss.

Feeling nothing but regret,
and fear of what is to come.
Because I dont love him.
And I never will.
Because I cant. 

What do I feel

Five am, laying awake,
my last message was, 
"if something happens, 
remember, that I love you"

Is it love that I feel,
is it regret that I destroyed,
the last person that I "loved",
I'm confused, broken and annoyed.

I can't figure out what is happening to me,
as tears roll down my eyes,
is it love that I feel,
or just the loneliness inside?

Haven't had a hug in weeks,
craved one for months on end.
I left home and all me friends,
now all their love is sent.

Another tear rolles down my cheek,
I feel the coldness grabbing me,
help, help, my mind shouts,
as my happiness deceases to be.

I feel alone, I am alone,
I need some love so desperatly,
but too afraid to ask for some,
I die slowly in my room locked by a key.

My minds a mess, I grab the knife,
I try to cut through this dark mean mind,
fulfilling its deepest desire,
until it finally becomes so kind.

To give me just that bit of peace,
that bit of quietness,
that bit of sweet sweet sleep.
Until the next day. 

alone and in pain

Far away from home,
laying crying on the ground,
covering my mouth with my hands,
blocking out the sound,
of my internal pain,
fueled my loneliness again,
I am trapped in my mind,
full of thunder and rain.

Rolled up, not able to move,
my little heart is getting torn apart,
I can't do anything against it,
depression is hitting me hard.
It is ripping into my soul,
bloody pieces laying everywhere,
another crying sound escapes my mouth,
its not like anyone cares.

Music blasting loud,
so no one hears me scream.
Yet I hope someone would come,
but no one will, so it does seem.
I am alone, in pain, again,
always am, always will be,
its not like at any point,
someone will care about me.

Silver metal ripping into my skin,
the darkness is getting what it needs,
red blood to satisfy its hunger,
its doesnt care that someone bleeds.
It just wants to destroy a soul,
and I am the victim, I guess thats good,
so noone else is getting tortured,
so noone else is in a bad mood.

I am crying, screaming,
yet I cant make a sound.
Always in pain, its okay,
the darkness now is bound.
No one else has to endure it,
just me, over and over again,
but I am used to this,
Im used to being alone and in pain. 

What my Dad said

What my dad said when I told him that I didn't want to visit.

- that I don't have friends because I am an asshole and I am throwing away the only people who love me
- that if I don't make it to uni my parents will drop me and I'll have to do shitty jobs, because the normals jobs poor girls won't take me because I have selfharmed
- that I am an adult and can't have problems who make me feel this shitty
- "have you starved or cut yourself?"
- why are you crying again?

Also it was really charming how his voice got louder and angrier ^.^

Take me back

To when alcohol was something special,
And razors were just for shaving.
When your parents would only get mad at you misbehaving.

To when food was not the enemy,
And loneliness was so rare.
When i could trust my friends to be honest when they said that they care.

To when cigarettes where a no go,
And love didn't seem like a curse.
When you thought failing a class meant it couldn't get worse.

To when you weren't scared to go home,
And your identity was clear.
When gaming was something for fun, not to escape monsters near.

To when making friendships was easy,
And swimming wasn't utter pain.
When going to sleep wouldn't bring terror that made you insane.

To when I was a child,
Innocent and small.
And not a crying mess,
Curled up in a ball.

On the lonely swing of life

Darkness around me, 
I am sitting on my own, 
On a childrens swing, 
Being all alone. 

A small light ingnites, 
I inhale the dust of death, 
Thinking about life, 
How my hope has left. 

Alcohol induced madness, 
Tears streaming down my face, 
But the darkness hides it, 
Here at my lonely place. 

You said you wanted to talk, 
Suddenly my numbness wasnt enough, 
And my depression hit me, 
Suicidal me came back rough. 

I dont know what happend, 
Just that it happened way to fast. 
And suddenly not gaming, 
Not alcohol, nothing would last. 

My brain is shouting at me, 
Telling me to bleed till i die, 
Telling me to leave life behind, 
Leaving my "friends" without goodbye. 

Soon ill be back, right? 
Back home, with nothing stopping me. 
Why would i hold back then, 
There is no light that i see. 

Just a dark swing, 
My terrible body on top of it. 
Swinging back and forth, 
Dying that tiny last bit. 

Lets go home, the voices say, 
Lets go home, itll be okay. 
Lets finally put an end to it, 
To not see the light of day. 

Why am i like this, 
Why cant i be able to live? 
Why cant the voices shut up, 
Why cant they forgive? 

They say i am a bad person, 
I guess they are right. 
I guess i shouldnt be living, 
Guess i shouldnt see the light. 

Lets go back home, 
And punish me for being alive. 
For being this terrible person, 
Lets pick up the knife. 

Its sharp enough, you know. 
And the pain will finally not be. 
They whisper. I cannot not listen. 
I am in pain, dont you see? 

You wanted to help, 
But you just made it worse. 
You did not bless me with your existence, 
And all your words were a curse. 

Now i am on this lonely swing, 
Remembering all my pain. 
How i couldn't be a child, 
How my childhood drove me insane. 

But no, i remember. 
Its my fault, thats what the voices mean. 
And they want me to be dead, 
 Its so loud, it cant be unseen. 

Ill go home and die. 
Its better this way? 
Thats what they mean, 
Thats what they say. 

Lonely swing, 
Robbed childhood, 
Unacceptant parents, 
Me never being good. 

Its the right way,
Thats what they say, 
On the swing of life, 
If youre dead youll finally be okay. 

Just do it.

The desire to be loved

Why do I have this strong desire,
to want people to love me?
Why do I need their attention,
why do I need this codependency?

I need the friendship, I need the care,
I need people around me everywhere.
But not too many, or too often,
cause then my mental walls would soften.

When I get friends, I start to break,
its just gets to much for me to take.
My demons start to scream much more,
destroying my happiness to the core.

I fall back into my own old hell,
the one im used to, that I know so well.
And then again, life is filled with pain,
driving me back to being insane.

But what was it that started this,
what did i oversee, what did i miss?
Because I was happy, wasnt i?
saying it made me sad would be a lie.

I wanted love, which they gave me,
yet there is not hope for me to see.
So what happened between give and receive?
What happened to make my happiness leave?

It was my demons, am I right?
they made me ask for help to find the light,
but also made this friendship a knife,
so that I would never be painlessly happy in my life.

What I desire the most,
hurts the most.
Ironic, isnt it?

When the morning comes

And when the morning comes,
His spirit breaks,
Another night's gone by.
Where he did nothing but to lie.

The room is quiet,
His friends breaths fill it out,
But yet he feels so alone.
As if everyone else has gone.

His eyes are dry but he wishes
They werent. To show the pain inside.
His torture everyday goes by,
Tbh he wants to die.

The pain grows stronger;
He clenches his fist,
Bites his tongue praying 

That they won't notice.

But they are asleep,
They didnt care, are they your friends?
You are so broken yet they cant see, 

maybe its time for you to seize to be.

Curled up in a ball,
Lonely tears on his face.
Breathing and living is hurting.

How to have an Eating Disorder

Step One: Eat. 

Step Two: Hate yourself before, while and after eating. 

And you're done. Have fun :)

Let's end this while there's still light

Just two lost souls,
desperate to find happiness.
But in a fusion together,
our lives became a mess.

We're trying to fix each other,
without cleaning up our own lives.
Which makes our kisses poison,
and our hugs made of knives.

I know that you love me,
and that you're love is true.
But you cannot chain me to yourself,
or ask to hold your hands covered in glue.

I need freedom not a cage,
and while you offer both,
with all this words,
coming out of your mouth.

Even a cage offering freedom,
is a limiting tiny prison.
Yes there are pros, but too
many things can be called  con.

I love you, or so I think,
but what if that feeling is deadly?
We're both young, full of emotion,
can only predict the future badly.

I feel you breaking me,
while fixing me, so what
if I break too much before I'm whole?
This has to be said.

So darling, I'm sorry, but
I can't hold on much longer.
Even though I preach hope to the broken,
I am not much stronger.

I feel like I'm breaking,
and so are you, am I right?
So let's end this before the end,
let's end this while there is still light.

- Aki Silver, 06.08.16 

The body of water that is life - untitled #1

Life seems to be a dark ocean,
Fog stops me from seeing far,
They're trying hard to hunt me down,
But tbh I just want to drown. 

My arms are heavy from swimming long,
My energy is about to fade.
I'd like to stop and have some rest,
To ease the fire in my chest. 

I can barely breathe,
Lungs are filled with water.
If nothing changes and this keeps going on,
It wont be long until im done.

But the ocean doesn't seem to have an end,
My demons start to catch up to me.
The end is near, thats what I see,
I guess this is how it had to be.

- Aki Silver, 18.08.16

the issue with trust (Can I trust you?)

I trust you , that is right,
have for years, without doubt.
But what happened yesterday,
makes me wonder what trust is about.

It was a "mistake", that's what you said,
but what f a mistake becomes the norm?
So from that thoughtless trust,
fear, panic, insecurities were born.

I look at you, my hear beats fast,
afraid to be hurt again.
No words can heal that,
not time, nothing can.

You ask for trust, so often now,
each time stabbing your knife into me.
You think its okay, don't understand
why I cry, why can't you see?

What you did, broke my trust,
unrepairable, I may say.
And nothing you do or ask or write,
will make that (or me) okay. 

#untitled

Everything

is

slowly

falling

apart

and

i

dont

think

that

i

can

stop

it

this

time

"Why do you hide your boobs but not your selfharm?"

Cause I fucking hate you. I fuckin hate you for fucking me up this bad, i hate you for how you want to put me in hospital instead of trying to ubderstand me, i hate how you stop me from doing what i love or seeing people that I love. I hate you. I hate you.
Dear parents, i hate you with all my heart and yet i cant hate you because that's what you teached me. Dont hate your parents, they're the only ones who care about you.
Do you? Do you?
Then why do i feel so alone and broken and in pain and why do i have this strong desire to kill myself?
Because I want attention? Yeah of course. Is that the thing that you'll say if i die tonight, i wonder.
Dear parents i hate you but I'm sorry that i cant face life anymore.
Im sorry.

The Kids Today Are Too Sad

Trying to write is like wanting to force your soul out.
Sometimes it is just too scared to show itself. 

I mean, it is understandable. 

This world is cruel as fuck, no one gets spared. 

Even small kids experience this pressure. 

More and more young kids get incredibly sad. 

Isn't this sad? 

Probably. 

But then again this just shows how bad this world always was. 

I mean, it didn't really change, did it? 

It's just that the sad people got a voice. 

It's just that the sad people get heard. 

Sorry normal people for having to listen to our bullshit. 

I know how terrible it is, but guess what. 

For us it is every day. Every. Fucking. Day. 

Imagine, hating yourself. Every Day. 

Like always. 

Sound nice, doesn't it. 

A life worth living, isn't it. 

Ah ye, sarcasm. How much I love it. 

And life. 

Yeah.