What I Would Have Done

Dear Grandma.

You died 2 weeks ago.
I didn't know about it.
I moved out, away,
broke off contact but a bit.

"I need to inform you that grandma died.",
Mum I know you meant well saying this,
but why wait 2 weeks with it.
Is it because you know I wouldn't miss, her?

And I don't what went through me,
hearing this final message yesterday.
A bolt of sharp deep roaring pain,
suddenly my life was less okay.

I just sat numb there, tears rolling
over my cheeks, a deepening sadness,
emerging from my soul, shaking me trhough,
until it left my insides a mess.

But why is this happening,
I wonder, I barely talked to her anyways?
A few words, a few smiles,
and then we went our ways.

I know it was wrong,
but I thought I had time,
time to later repay,
that we had another day.

But I didn't, I know that now,
and it hurts so much more,
knowing what I couldve done better,
what I did wrong.

I wouldn't have ignored your calls,
talked to you more than 07:13.
Wouldve remember to record that song,
you and granddad sang when I turned 18.

Would've made memories,
instead of hiding away.
And now my insanity,
takes another part of my day.

I should've been a better grandson,
or better, granddaughter,
me being special,
just caused so much slaughter.

I wish I could've been a better grandkid,
grand ma, I am so sorry.
But now you are hopefully at peace,
in a place without worry.

I hope that I can make you proud,
watch me slay at life.
For you I will try,
to fight my demons with knives.

Grandma, I am sorry.
For I was wrong.
Because I still have time,
but not with you.