shut up to protect them

Turning my sadness into a joke,
helps me, but not them, not you.
It helps me to cope and smile,
but you dont know what to do.

You feel bad for me,
and as I smile your frown grows.
Your voice becomes quieter,
and my evil self just knows.

I did it again. I made you sad.
With just my words, loud and clear.
Pushed you over the edge, barely holding on.
and I dont want to make you sad my dear.

I need to shut up, I say,
instantly regretting it,
when you stop mid sentence,
I know what I did.

Shut up, I say in my head.
Shut up, shut up shut up.
They shouldnt know.
They shouldnt know whats up.

I dont want to make you asd.
I should shut up to protect you.
You know what? I will. 

Too much

How are you supposed to stay strong,
when your friends break apart,
how are you supposed to smile,
when their life becomes hard.

How are you supposed to stand by,
when there is no way to relieve their pain,
How are you supposed to just watch,
while their sadness drives them insane.

When they are so near tears,
their voices breaking,
hushed voices trying to cover up,
that they are suffocating.

I can't help you.
Whats my purpose.
Why would I live.