I recently mentioned to my dad that I am in need of therapy and am actively looking for some. I went to the doctor and he gave me an app that can connect me to therapists in the area. I have yet to really start looking, and many of them offer only group therapy for adults, but its better than nothing.
And he instantly told me that I am so much better now, why would I need something like that? I got so much better, I work out, I started working towards my driving license, I am okay at work and with people. The only thing to critique is my consume of sugary snacks / energy drinks, as those are the reason I am at a sub par weight.
And I tried to explain to him that I do not feel happy. Yes, I do not have depressive episodes every day. It can be a week until I get the next one and when I have one, I do not hurt myself.
Doesn't mean I am not thinking about hurting myself. Biting my lip for the sweet embrace of the blade. Its painful, sure, but it feels very deserved. And its an instant cure to depressive episodes instead of laying around for anywhere between 30 mins to 4 hours and feeling sad for myself. It would be a quick fix, but I cannot. Quickly cut, quickly stop the bleeding, and it will be over. But so many people will get hurt, not only me, and I can't allow that. Unfortunately people like me now.
I think about ending it sometimes, but I have cats and a boyfriend who would be directly harmed, as well as many people who would be indirectly harmed. What I'd really like would be an accident. Or maybe a grand thing where I sacrifice myself for the greater good.
So I am not at risk, atleast not until something really bad happens and throws me off balance.
Examples would be getting fired from work, a big fight in the relationship, my parents for some reason being angry at me. And I know that it will break me and thats why I want to look for therapy to work through all the issues with self esteem that I obviously have.
Most of the time I can hide it. Sometimes it comes out. That toxic little voice that doesn't understand why I wouldn't punish myself. I am subpar, a burden on everyone. I do not make enough money, I do not make enough art, I do not talk to my friends enough. You know for how long I planned on writing a book? God, I barely remember writing anymore. At least I can still type, courtesy of my job. But that is a default skill right? Nothing to proud of, not anymore.
I have deep trauma from my kindergarten and school years. My self-worth is deeply entangled with my "value", which I define via looks, achievements, etc.
A couple of times by now a topic in my conversation with my manager is that I instantly go on the defence when someone critiques me. Even if it ends up being false, or it is just some nice advice, I feel stupid and useless. I always feel like defending myself and most of the times I do that, which just wastes time, as no one was accusing me, just trying to help me. But that does not matter for my brain, for every critique must be an attack on my very person as I define myself through my abelites and "value". And I want to make sure, just in case the other person might be mad at me, why I did what I did. This stops me from developing my skills as I am always just in the past, trying to explain myself to everyone.
I do not really want to touch the intimacy topic at all. I remember being excited about stuff like that when I just became an adult but by now I dread it.
This is due to a combinations of things, my past few boyfriends being sometimes really pushy or being really upset when I said no, to the point where I would just do stuff for them so they wouldn't make a scene. I do not want to think about what happened when I was younger. I know it was wrong, but it is not as bad as other people have it so why worry. I didn't remember it for many years anyways. I would love to enjoy myself during intimacy but it just feels like a chore that I want to finish as quickly as possible.
My eating disorder is an open secret, as I keep making jokes about it. I know I gained weight, that is due to me eating three meals a day and some snacks, and that is good, better than when I was not eating until everything hurt, skipping meals whenever I could etc. But the change to my body makes me cry. I hate taking pictures or looking at my body. I even started doing sport again and overdid it so much because I wanted to see an effect, that my doctor told me to take a break as my bones and joints literally couldn't keep up with me, I would run through the pain. The voices were quiet for a bit. Because I was doing sports and that's all I can do, right? I can't do a diet, my maximalist mindset will instantly go "just starve yourself for a bit and it'll be over quicker" and then I will get problems with eating again.
Every meal I try to eat less than the people around me. Its a constant fight against my body.
But now I can't even push myself to my limits running without my body failing, so I am just stuck here, a fatass with no achievements.
Whenever I get something I want, its suddenly just a "given". I got my Bachelors degree at some point. And now it doesn't matter anymore because its not a Masters. I have money to buy clothes I want but I look shit in everything because for some reason I only look good when I am skinny.
I miss being skinny but then I remember that I never was. At least not for me. I remember being so much smaller and still feeling fat rolls, critiquing every imperfection I saw in the mirror. I was skinny and unhappy, so why would it change this time? I don't know, but I think I would just like to take up less space. Be less noticeable. Hide in a corner so no one can every critique me for anything.
And all these problems cause me to think that I will not get better on my own. That I need to work through those problems, however I can, so I can be less of a burden.
Yesterday my mood was shitty. I didn't do as much at work as I hoped to. And then I was just on the couch, feeling bad for myself instead of doing something fun. And I drag my boyfriend into it, as he lives here and sees when I feel sorry for myself on the couch and of course he loves me and he wants me to feel better, so he tries to help. But I don't want him to worry every day if today might be a bad day. If today is the day I forget my meds or my brain just randomly decides that I am worthless. But that is what happens. And most days its fine. But not every day.
No comments:
Post a Comment