Conversation with my Dad

I recently mentioned to my dad that I am in need of therapy and am actively looking for some. I went to the doctor and he gave me an app that can connect me to therapists in the area. I have yet to really start looking, and many of them offer only group therapy for adults, but its better than nothing. 

And he instantly told me that I am so much better now, why would I need something like that? I got so much better, I work out, I started working towards my driving license, I am okay at work and with people. The only thing to critique is my consume of sugary snacks / energy drinks, as those are the reason I am at a sub par weight. 

And I tried to explain to him that I do not feel happy. Yes, I do not have depressive episodes every day. It can be a week until I get the next one and when I have one, I do not hurt myself. 

Doesn't mean I am not thinking about hurting myself. Biting my lip for the sweet embrace of the blade. Its painful, sure, but it feels very deserved.  And its an instant cure to depressive episodes instead of laying around for anywhere between 30 mins to 4 hours and feeling sad for myself. It would be a quick fix, but I cannot. Quickly cut, quickly stop the bleeding, and it will be over. But so many people will get hurt, not only me, and I can't allow that. Unfortunately people like me now. 

I think about ending it sometimes, but I have cats and a boyfriend who would be directly harmed, as well as many people who would be indirectly harmed. What I'd really like would be an accident. Or maybe a grand thing where I sacrifice myself for the greater good. 

So I am not at risk, atleast not until something really bad happens and throws me off balance. 

Examples would be getting fired from work, a big fight in the relationship, my parents for some reason being angry at me. And I know that it will break me and thats why I want to look for therapy to work through all the issues with self esteem that I obviously have. 

Most of the time I can hide it. Sometimes it comes out. That toxic little voice that doesn't understand why I wouldn't punish myself. I am subpar, a burden on everyone. I do not make enough money, I do not make enough art, I do not talk to my friends enough. You know for how long I planned on writing a book? God, I barely remember writing anymore. At least I can still type, courtesy of my job. But that is a default skill right? Nothing to proud of, not anymore. 

I have deep trauma from my kindergarten and school years. My self-worth is deeply entangled with my "value", which I define via looks, achievements, etc. 

A couple of times by now a topic in my conversation with my manager is that I instantly go on the defence when someone critiques me. Even if it ends up being false, or it is just some nice advice, I feel stupid and useless. I always feel like defending myself and most of the times I do that, which just wastes time, as no one was accusing me, just trying to help me. But that does not matter for my brain, for every critique must be an attack on my very person as I define myself through my abelites and "value". And I want to make sure, just in case the other person might be mad at me, why I did what I did. This stops me from developing my skills as I am always just in the past, trying to explain myself to everyone. 

I do not really want to touch the intimacy topic at all. I remember being excited about stuff like that when I just became an adult but by now I dread it. 

This is due to a combinations of things, my past few boyfriends being sometimes really pushy or being really upset when I said no, to the point where I would just do stuff for them so they wouldn't make a scene. I do not want to think about what happened when I was younger. I know it was wrong, but it is not as bad as other people have it so why worry. I didn't remember it for many years anyways. I would love to enjoy myself during intimacy but it just feels like a chore that I want to finish as quickly as possible. 

My eating disorder is an open secret, as I keep making jokes about it. I know I gained weight, that is due to me eating three meals a day and some snacks, and that is good, better than when I was not eating until everything hurt, skipping meals whenever I could etc. But the change to my body makes me cry. I hate taking pictures or looking at my body.  I even started doing sport again and overdid it so much because I wanted to see an effect, that my doctor told me to take a break as my bones and joints literally couldn't keep up with me, I would run through the pain. The voices were quiet for a bit. Because I was doing sports and that's all I can do, right? I can't do a diet, my maximalist mindset will instantly go "just starve yourself for a bit and it'll be over quicker" and then I will get problems with eating again. 

Every meal I try to eat less than the people around me. Its a constant fight against my body. 

But now I can't even push myself to my limits running without my body failing, so I am just stuck here, a fatass with no achievements. 

Whenever I get something I want, its suddenly just a "given". I got my Bachelors degree at some point. And now it doesn't matter anymore because its not a Masters. I have money to buy clothes I want but I look shit in everything because for some reason I only look good when I am skinny. 

I miss being skinny but then I remember that I never was. At least not for me. I remember being so much smaller and still feeling fat rolls, critiquing every imperfection I saw in the mirror. I was skinny and unhappy, so why would it change this time? I don't know, but I think I would just like to take up less space. Be less noticeable. Hide in a corner so no one can every critique me for anything. 

And all these problems cause me to think that I will not get better on my own. That I need to work through those problems, however I can, so I can be less of a burden. 

Yesterday my mood was shitty. I didn't do as much at work as I hoped to. And then I was just on the couch, feeling bad for myself instead of doing something fun. And I drag my boyfriend into it, as he lives here and sees when I feel sorry for myself on the couch and of course he loves me and he wants me to feel better, so he tries to help. But I don't want him to worry every day if today might be a bad day. If today is the day I forget my meds or my brain just randomly decides that I am worthless. But that is what happens. And most days its fine. But not every day. 

420 blaze it

 my friend told me that i have it good. 

Got a job, a loving wonderful partner, new flat and a degree. 

So why am I still sad? 

I don't think he meant it in the way I'm interpreting it. I'm probably just drawing the devil at the wall, or however that saying goes. But for depression it doesn't matter how good you have it. 

I understand that I should happy, and that makes being upset even more frustrating. Not only am I sad, but now I also feel guilty for feeling sad. Wonderful combination of emotions really. 

I am finally out of survivor mode and able to reflect on my life. Maybe try some therapy. Its not only about surviving, now we are trying the living thing. 

and I dont want to do that because I could do it wrong. I don't want to reflect on my life. I don't want to work through trauma, because that will be difficult. I don't want to be an adult and responsible. 

i am exististing and there is nothing i can do to stop that (atleast not approved methods) so i might need to make the best out of it. Atleast i got good friends? 

also pretty sure im addicted to the 420, but its all a work in progress

my brain is going...

 One frustrating thing with my memory issues that i have a whole habit. 

I look at something, "memorize" it, and then close the thing i need to remember to continue. And that is an old habit, so old that i don't even think about it, i just look at the text and go. 

But nowadays my memory is stupid, and i keep forgetting what i wanted to memorize. Like I remember that I memorized it, but not, what it was? The name of the file, but not the content. 

It feels like when you enter a room and you're sure there was a reason why you're here, but you scan your brain and cannot find this reason. 

And its frustrating, because it wasn't always like that. I used to be able to memorize things, like my clues to which page im reading or what email to login, but my brain just stopped saving at some points and i have to keep going back to refresh my memory, which is frustrating for everyone included, especially me. 

I don't want to forget your birthday or your plans or what you told me in secret, but my brain has like a couple of bits of space free at any given moment and while i am listening i can sometimes feel how the information gets deleted in my brain before the conversation is over. 

At work I help myself by screenshotting everything and everyone, but after half a year I have a screenshot folder that has like a thousand pictures, and i cant sort through that properly anyways. 

i think therefore I can lie ?

I understand that he wants contact. But no matter what I say he laughs. Maybe that is his humor? is he mackin fun of me or am i being a bitch to a guy who is just a bit weird. 

that sounds rude. i guess it is. 

but the goal is to be positive. Or at least neutral which is better than my normal. 

am i scared to be cringe? perhaps. i dont know wether the thouights in my head are real or just an imagination of what I would expect a person to sound on this amount of drugs. 

I think the brain isn't supposed to question itself like this. 

I want a good grade for fighting for my life

 I sit here. 

Its just past midnight. I wouldve been out for longer, but my friend needs to work tomorrow. I've consumed. It was just weed but it has reached levels that i woudlnt have thought off in my wildest dreams. This has become the new normal. Get home from work and smoke a little bit to escape for the three hours i have at home before i need to go to sleep to wake up to work. 

Is this an addiction? I cannot say. I know that I had a very similar problem around my twenties with alcohol. But I have 100% overcome this. 

So i dont know if this is just a step in me becoming. 

or, you know, me becoming an addict. 

but its fine. 

because while it cloacks me in that soft mist that fills out all my imperfections. Suddenly I appear tolerable. And that is apparently the best feeling I can dream off. 

I know I am suffering. 

But I do not know wether it is because I am depressed or me being scared to death of me faking all of this. Am I doing this to be special or is it me? Is it my nature or just good acting? 

I know a happy normal person wouldn't ask themselves these questions, therefore I qualify and have nothing to worry about. I am not "faking". 

But maybe that is just a clever thought out story I tell myself to live in peace because the truth is worse? What if I am worse? Maybe I am a genius, that has thought of all possible scenarios and has prepared exactly for this? Will I ever really know. 

I dont think there is an answer but there is a peace in accepting that youre okay. 

You are not taking up space that you do not deserve. You are sick and it is fine. You are not just pretending for attention. It is fine. Everything will be fine. 

My friends love me. More than I could ever love myself. And because of that love I need to protect them by not deserting them. I will be a good human because they deserve to be friends with reliable good humans. So thats what I am going to be. 

If the people around you are genuinly annoyed by your presence they will leave. they will not stay out of politeness, that is a you-thing. So if they are staying, they are good people. 

is this incoherent? it doesnt feel like that right now. Maybe its the drugs. Maybe 

im okay i think. 

how much?

 Do you know how much to take, 

to make all this end? 

Do you know what to take, 

for our body to bend?

To bend and break and cry and scream, 

yet outside everything's fine it seems. 

I know the dosis, 

i know what to take, 

but here i am surviving, 

for somebody elses sake. 

why am i alive, 

why do i keep breathing, 

when im full of pain, 

and my soul is leaving. 

I should apologize for being myself

 I should apologize for being myself, 

for the way my voice sounds, my arms flail around, 

the way my humor will always insult someone. 

I should apologize for being myself, 

my sick, depressed self, that doesnt offer anything, 

yet takes and takes and takes. 

Why are people friends with me? I seem to just be a burden. 

Maybe they feel good about helping a person. 

I suppose that might be reason. Stupid reason. 

please end this