colorless cloud

Don’t worry about me, I’m used to dealing with my shit, 

I say as i breathe deeply in. 

“Really?”, ask the shadows again. 

Death would be a fuckin relief. 

Dont worry about me, 

I say as a clutch my jaw, 

Dont worry about me, 

you believe as long as you dont see. 

How bad I sleep at night, 

horrible mares waking me up, 

drenched in Panic and sweat. 

Just to go back to bed. 

How bad I clench my jaw, 

every waking hour of the day, 

trying to keep that sweet smile up, 

while I myself keep giving up. 

How hopeless I am when I look at my life, 

how gray and useless, just sadness in excess. 

A small colorless cloud trying to fight, 

the oncoming storm that keeps out all light. 

It prepares for the fight to begin, 

tries to remember all the good old days when the rain sets in. 

Overwhelming wind and darkness rise, 

as the cloud meets its demise. 

Every day I fight, 

and yet everyday it seems I loose again. 

At trying to keep me from decayin. 

How many losses until I cant stand up anymore? 

;

Thin lines running through skin,
blue, red and violett, its like
you have your own little rainbow.
living deep inside you.



Bloodred.
A beautiful color.
Why do we need to inflict pain to see this,
which makes us so human.
which makes us so vulnerable.
which keeps us sane.

Breached.
Streaming out,
of everything we once called home,
for our bodies are a home we never leave.

Beaten.
We have to be,
to destroy our home, by ourselves.
The place that is so save,
now lost.

Whats the reason 

untitled

its a fight right.
its a fight to not harm yourself. i hear my own voice in my head, begging for pain, begging to punish myself for not being enough. for not going to uni or to work.
all this stupid stuff, that i measure myself at.
its okay its okay, to have to take breaks because of your mental health. my brain is a shitty place. its angry its mad agt me.
i know its okay. logically. i know. im sick and i need to take that into my calculations but its so difficult when in comparison to normal people my problems are .. stupid.
normal ppl dont need breaks because they .. slept too much. woke up late. didnt do their work in time. i missed uni yesterday and today. my brain is screaming and im trying to keep it under controll.
i know that i have blades. i found them while cleaning. i thought i threw all of them away.
i didnt.
i want to. i want to harm me. i want to punish myself. i dont know what else to do. i feel mad at myself. i wanna let it out somehow.
i used to go on runs for this. now im fat and useless.
gosh im so mad at myself. i wanna kill myself. i wanna.
i dont because i dont wanna make my friends sad. i dont want jonas to brush up against me and feel new wounds. and look at me with those sad eyes.
he would leave. he would. after a while if i relapse.
i dont know if  i could survive that. 

Honeytrap

Arrogance with a touch of sadness,
a big idiot with a bigger heart.
A little touch of excitement and
now I am back to the start.

A big mysterium, an untold story,
the greatest secret of them all.



I am not able to write poetry. I tried, looking at the screen but my mind cannot put together the words needed to express what I feel. Maybe its the lack of practice. Maybe its my meds. Maybe its that I dont know how I feel. Again.

Whenever I meet new people I try to be weary. Past experience have really shown me that I need to be really careful about who I let into my life and to what extend. That I need to put up boundaries so that I stay safe and especially dont harm anyone else in my life.
It's been a year since I've done something really stupid. Eventless year, full of repeating the same stuff over and over again and not a lot of excitement.
Sometimes I meet new people online and they seem okay, but upon further inspection their intentions are wrong, their interests are wrong, and they do not care about me, just about spending some time with some background noise. Talk a bit, but never look back.
And I can understand that. Its the new age, that is just how things are handled nowadays. And I cant really expect that from people, since I myself dont try to start friendships online.
But it hurts just a bit when again those people who you thought enjoyed your company go somewhere else for the day.


Complaining doesnt help here. Nothing really does.
Its the internet.


But the issue still arises. I want excitement.
And when I meet new people, that is exciting. What will they do, what will they say.
Sometimes I become intrigued with someone. The person ist quite interesting, has a mysterious aura or isnt as readable, which makes it more interesting to conquer.
Most times those are just signs to stop though. Cause as much as I want this person to be friends with, I dont think anything good will come out of it.
This person is everything I shouldnt do, every mistake I ever made combinded.
Someone who lives independently, far away, likes me, dominates me but encourages me. Likes to tease me but also compliments me. Tries to spend time with me, or atleast it seems like it.
But it looks like a trap. Like a sweet dripping honeytrap ready to just catch me and its a struggle everyday to stay away from the temptation.

I sound disgusting. Maybe I am.
I like the pain. I like the struggle. Life seems so boring and bland without it.
Dont bite into it, I tell myself while checking if the person is online again, trying to find an excuse to spend time. I just wanna find out who they are, but thats not it is it? I dont Know.

Again im at a crossroads. Follow the temptation or stay in my low path. In the normal path, the simple path, the one that is safe, yet not so rewardable.

Maybe Im just bored. Thats what I always think when I come upon crossroads like these. Im just bored, looking for something new. Im not interested, just want a quick taste, and then back to the safe life btu that isnt how life works, is it? Life is harsh and linear. Maybe Im just bored.
But the honeytrap is tempting.

everything is not wrong

hi. it has been a while.

im 21 now. way too old. older than i ever thought id live. ive been fighting with my depression and am now on medication, to keep my serotonin levels up. since after years of pretending apparently i actually have a problem. or i always had. i dont know. im never sure about me. what aspects are just those that i want, those i imagine, those that my parents tell me that i am or those that my sick brain sees.

the drugs seem to work. ive finished half of university in just a bit of time more than usual. i still hate myself and think im not worth anything, but atleast i work. its not paralyzing anymore and as long as i dont think about it, its fine. just suppress it. fake it till you make it. the old drill.

normally during the days im pretty fine. unless somthing stressful comes up. but its 5 am and im still awake and then my medication starts to wear off i guess, or its the darkness or whatever, but i get way sadder.
ive been having trouble going to sleep at a decent time for a bit over a week now. maybe longer. but i just have these wonderful dreams and then i wake up and live is still shitty and boring. especially since i often dream of sacrificing myself, which is the ultimate goal of my sick brain, so it starts relaxing and accepting, and then i wake up and realize that it was "only just a dream", to quote a song.

its so upsetting that ive been avoiding going to sleep for far too much time. and then i sleep a lot and wake up at 6 pm. wasted days, that just make me even more depressed. like a nice demonic cycle of depression. a spiral almost. unhealthy, but its difficult to break it.
even though i have sleep medication, its not working as well anymore, so even though i used to be able to just take my meds and knock out, i cant anymore, so im just in bed, thinking, for too long about not nice things.


but hey, some positives maybe.
im still in a relationship with the guy from uni. a bit over a year now. it is very nice. he has his moods and quirks but i love him a lot. my head though, that motherfucker just tries to find every excuse to destroy my life. from things like "youre not good enough for you" to "he only wants the sex" to " you deserve better, he is too perfect" it just makes it very difficult to be happy. i cant really bring it up to him though, since he is just started warming up to me. it was very difficult for him to be just himself and careless and happy while i was very sick a year ago, so now that i am healthier, his personality florishes. and i dont wanna ruin it, he looks very happy.

yes very positive. im just writing this down as i think, which is probably not the best way to do this. but it porbably doesnt make any coherent sense, but i do find it nice to read. atleast i rly liked my writing style form a year ago, its so similar to my speech pattern that i feel like i have stagnated in this year. just stayed the same. boring old kid, that knows nothing of the world and just wants for all too end because its just soo much, so much that i cannot handle.

Life is overwhelming right now. Just a tiny bit overwhelming.
But im used to overwhelming challenges, from my dad always pushing me in sport and math/science department to me surviving with bulimia and sitting through entire scar treatments without making a sound.
Maybe itll go well. I dont know right now.
Ill just focus on uni for now. 

Love?

I've been looking for it for a while.
Wanna know how many love/sex partners I had in a year. way too much for me.
its a normal number maybe. idk how normal humans work, i can just speak for myself but its not me while it is exactly me.
i like to give. i like to make my friends happy. and when they ask for something they most of the time get it. even if i seem cheerful and motivated, that might just be fake because i feel like i have to do this for you. shitty, ik, and therefore i dont blame any of the friends for past years encounter. I actually dont blame any of my boyfriends. besides maybe amadeus because he broke down so fast and almost took me with him but i suppose i made him come out of his shell of cover and was the needle that broke the camels back.
Ayy look at aki doing the english.

last year was wild.
i started with a relationship that went actually pretty well, it was long distance but it was serious. until he started .. or me. idk anymore. we broke apart, he took it pretty well, and then i drove to the next boy, and i think after a day or so we kissed and had sex. ui thats me. idk about this one. we did not wanted a relationship because it would have been long distance so it was basically fwb but like idk. i dont like fuckin. i dont. its stupid and sweaty. i like cuddling though.
anyways, we went on my first roadtrip and my first vacation without my parents that isnt a science camp together. he paid for most of it and my dad wanted to repay him but i have asked him several times for something that i need to repay him and he hasnt delivered in 7 months so oh well.
after that he visited me regularily. it became relationshippy.
and especially when he would visit me while i had uni it made me extremely uncomfortable. because besides me already being in a shitty mood, void taking over most of the time, i couldnt even relax at home because humans. I dont know till this day why him being there was bothering me so much, we were good friends at the time and i genuinly enjoyed spending time with him.
But jonas realized what negative influence him being there it was for me and one day after the day before he semi forcibly took sex jonas decided to take the leaver.
Was it rape? no. it was more of a situation that i did not like sex but sometimes i would say no and then still give in and i guess that made my no invaluable. that was the first time i faked to come too.
But for jonas the situation was obvious and he was like send that guy home or ill go home with you and throw him out. so i did after crying a lot. he cried too. i think he had never expected such an outcome. that night while he was driving he texted me a lot of toxic things, like "i feel like im dying" or "i might crash this car and it would be your fault" but i spent the night at jonas place basically crying but i was safe.
the next thing didnt eeven happen a month ago. maybe it did. memories shit ya know.
i was talking to a friend about sexual fantasies, some dick sucking happend until void took over and i kinda just layed there naked with my face in balls. lovely times, i fuckin know. The boy is a good friend though, even now. we just click very good.
Then the threesome came. oh geez, how i regret this evening. the only time i did some sex without having any feelings for the other person/people. it wasnt bad, i liked being chocked while giving a blow job but i did get very drunk to forget most of the things that happened in the evening, including both of them pleasuring me and like .. no. im glad i forgot that for the most part.
Then the relationships started again. havent stopped being single for like 3 months although i have been with my current week only for exactly one week.
First online relationship. A guy i really enjoyed talking to until i realized that his world was gaming. a few games. he didnt have any other depth to himself. none. his personality was strictly gaming. but he is already in a relationship again so no problemo. although he did some toxic af stuff afterwards like accusing me of stalking his female friend which i wasnt, i was literally doing my job as a mod of a teamspeak but k i stalked her sorry i havent been on that teamspeak a lot since that.
Then came ollie. im saying his name. oh geez that manipulating bastard. that called me his woman and his wife before we even dated for a week. and i loved him. so dearly. but like, it was long distance. and he was zero affectioned online, barely talked to me in months, etc. when i asked him to stop he didnt say anything. it was a bdsm relatio9nship, so he controlled a lot of the shit that i did. wasnt allowed to color or cut my hair for example. or to cuddle with my friends and i fuckin love cuddling. so i broke that off 8 days ago i think. the next day i started dating my current boyfriend. yeah im a slut ik thanks for mentioning now stfu

and i dont wanna be a cheesy kid. i did say with ollie as well that it would be my last relationship, but i do think that that was influenced by the fact how often he fuckin called me that. how fast he was about that. how he wouldnt let me go. also he told me that i was just looking for reasons to seperate because im a shitty person and oh men he is an arsehole. "do you have another guy" yes i have but thanks for assuming that, now please be fuckin nice. your not 15. although i do think that he was that in his head. everything in his head was bodybuilding, gaming or singing. flat personality. good that i left him.

anyways, back to the current relationship.
ive known this guy basically the entire time at uni minus maybe a few months. and he was there for me, cared for me, was my guardian, took me to therapy, let me sleep over, we watched series together etc. he witnessed all the relationship drama and still thinks that im a good person. He is smart, very caring and he allows me to have cats later. the entire week he has being coming over every day. its wonderful.
its innocent. we lay in bed, cuddling, for hour. or just sleep. cook together. its the pure kind of love i never had because my relationships were either long distance or my partner wasnt that kind of pure person. it has been a wonderful week. yes we had some cuddling not very clothed etc but like we are grownups. leave us alone.
anyways i feel like if he was the person to spend my life with, i definitly would have a happy life.
and the smile that i get whenever he cuddles with me is insane. when he speaks. etc.
im cheesy. sorry.

aki out.
(thats even more cheesy? well cheese is nice so fuck u)

I wonder if they know

I wonder if they know,
how behind my smile and fassade,
my doubt and selfhatred remains,
how and where my sick brain reigns.

I wonder if they know,
that the drugs didnt quiet me down,
little cover they provide from the toxic rain,
that is the hurricane of my brain.

I wonder if they know,
that my heart is still closed off.
How I still barely feel love or trust,
anyone, even though i must.

I wonder if they know,
how my smile is a lie.
Hiding a fucked up mind,
even though I act so kind.

I wonder if they know,
how even though I am happy,
my thoughts remain the same.

I wonder if they know.