Shameless

I had a dream today.
I was part of the Gallagher family, together with my sister. Im not sure if we were added, or replaced some parts of it, but I know that the older boys were still part of it. And we were a wonderful family. Holding together against the adults, surviving againist the odd. It was great.
I felt so at home, more than I have ever felt before.
We mastered school, family coming to visit and stress from school.
I think grandpa was sometimes pickung us up from school, and we were too many to fit in the car so I would play rock paper scissor with Ian, to decide who of us had to walk home.

In the end our mother got sick and we held together and the dream ended with me getting the script instruction that I would have to kill myself.

We also had a sea somewhere closeby and to escape the family we would swim to an island in the middle together, no matter how cold the water was.

I was happy and I got awoken by a doorbell. I dont know. 

hope

Its a very intimidating moment when your real life catches up on your mental status.



Its one thing when friends and family find out, they’re close. They might be mad, but it doesnt really have any consequences. Atleast for me it didnt. Although probably that is just my opinion, now looking back on it, 5 years later.

But when someone double your age comes up to you telling you that whatever you feel like your body is, your gender is, whoever you love, that it is okay and that everything will be alright, it gives me an abundance of hope. Someone who doesnt know you as a friend. He barely even knows your name, and still just wants to give you this message of peace and happiness.



My work colleague, an older guy, came up to me, asking me about my wig today and i mentioned in a side comment in the conversation we had about growing out my hair how I dont like how it makes me look female. And I suppose a lot of my previous behaviour with that and also the scars on my arm tell a very clear message of what my mental state is, without me actually mentioning it, so he tried to comfort me. Not even askin about me, I said that I go to therapy so that he shouldnt worry.

He said that he isnt worrying, he just wants to make sure that I feel comfortable and started telling about all his friends at the carnival an hours drive from here. How there are many who are Homosexual or dont feel right in their body and still they are loved.

How he himself had to go onto his journey for decades to find himself and be truly happy.



Its a very warm and comforting feeling to know that someone that already went through his journey is telling you that it is going to be allright. Not someone who is healthy, or still on their way, or on the way of giving up. Just a person, who had their journey, survived and lived to become happy.



Its the feeling that I hope that I give people when I talk to them about my journey.

Because I know what it feels like and how overwhelming it is. It always feels like its too much. But it is going to get better and someday, youll laugh at the challenges you faced today.



Everything is going to be okay.

past

The past catching up to you tastes like gray smoke, 

like ash, filling up my lungs once again when you decide to come into my life again. 

The past catching up to you tastes like red blood, 

metallic and so sweet, yet so forbidden. 

The past catching up to you tastes like clear wodka, 

burning away every feeling until I am numb. 

The past catching up to you tastes like cold coffee, 

brewed in the morning and untouched until late in the evening. 

The past catching up to you tastes so familiar, 

yet so wrong. 

colorless cloud

Don’t worry about me, I’m used to dealing with my shit, 

I say as i breathe deeply in. 

“Really?”, ask the shadows again. 

Death would be a fuckin relief. 

Dont worry about me, 

I say as a clutch my jaw, 

Dont worry about me, 

you believe as long as you dont see. 

How bad I sleep at night, 

horrible mares waking me up, 

drenched in Panic and sweat. 

Just to go back to bed. 

How bad I clench my jaw, 

every waking hour of the day, 

trying to keep that sweet smile up, 

while I myself keep giving up. 

How hopeless I am when I look at my life, 

how gray and useless, just sadness in excess. 

A small colorless cloud trying to fight, 

the oncoming storm that keeps out all light. 

It prepares for the fight to begin, 

tries to remember all the good old days when the rain sets in. 

Overwhelming wind and darkness rise, 

as the cloud meets its demise. 

Every day I fight, 

and yet everyday it seems I loose again. 

At trying to keep me from decayin. 

How many losses until I cant stand up anymore? 

;

Thin lines running through skin,
blue, red and violett, its like
you have your own little rainbow.
living deep inside you.



Bloodred.
A beautiful color.
Why do we need to inflict pain to see this,
which makes us so human.
which makes us so vulnerable.
which keeps us sane.

Breached.
Streaming out,
of everything we once called home,
for our bodies are a home we never leave.

Beaten.
We have to be,
to destroy our home, by ourselves.
The place that is so save,
now lost.

Whats the reason 

untitled

its a fight right.
its a fight to not harm yourself. i hear my own voice in my head, begging for pain, begging to punish myself for not being enough. for not going to uni or to work.
all this stupid stuff, that i measure myself at.
its okay its okay, to have to take breaks because of your mental health. my brain is a shitty place. its angry its mad agt me.
i know its okay. logically. i know. im sick and i need to take that into my calculations but its so difficult when in comparison to normal people my problems are .. stupid.
normal ppl dont need breaks because they .. slept too much. woke up late. didnt do their work in time. i missed uni yesterday and today. my brain is screaming and im trying to keep it under controll.
i know that i have blades. i found them while cleaning. i thought i threw all of them away.
i didnt.
i want to. i want to harm me. i want to punish myself. i dont know what else to do. i feel mad at myself. i wanna let it out somehow.
i used to go on runs for this. now im fat and useless.
gosh im so mad at myself. i wanna kill myself. i wanna.
i dont because i dont wanna make my friends sad. i dont want jonas to brush up against me and feel new wounds. and look at me with those sad eyes.
he would leave. he would. after a while if i relapse.
i dont know if  i could survive that. 

Honeytrap

Arrogance with a touch of sadness,
a big idiot with a bigger heart.
A little touch of excitement and
now I am back to the start.

A big mysterium, an untold story,
the greatest secret of them all.



I am not able to write poetry. I tried, looking at the screen but my mind cannot put together the words needed to express what I feel. Maybe its the lack of practice. Maybe its my meds. Maybe its that I dont know how I feel. Again.

Whenever I meet new people I try to be weary. Past experience have really shown me that I need to be really careful about who I let into my life and to what extend. That I need to put up boundaries so that I stay safe and especially dont harm anyone else in my life.
It's been a year since I've done something really stupid. Eventless year, full of repeating the same stuff over and over again and not a lot of excitement.
Sometimes I meet new people online and they seem okay, but upon further inspection their intentions are wrong, their interests are wrong, and they do not care about me, just about spending some time with some background noise. Talk a bit, but never look back.
And I can understand that. Its the new age, that is just how things are handled nowadays. And I cant really expect that from people, since I myself dont try to start friendships online.
But it hurts just a bit when again those people who you thought enjoyed your company go somewhere else for the day.


Complaining doesnt help here. Nothing really does.
Its the internet.


But the issue still arises. I want excitement.
And when I meet new people, that is exciting. What will they do, what will they say.
Sometimes I become intrigued with someone. The person ist quite interesting, has a mysterious aura or isnt as readable, which makes it more interesting to conquer.
Most times those are just signs to stop though. Cause as much as I want this person to be friends with, I dont think anything good will come out of it.
This person is everything I shouldnt do, every mistake I ever made combinded.
Someone who lives independently, far away, likes me, dominates me but encourages me. Likes to tease me but also compliments me. Tries to spend time with me, or atleast it seems like it.
But it looks like a trap. Like a sweet dripping honeytrap ready to just catch me and its a struggle everyday to stay away from the temptation.

I sound disgusting. Maybe I am.
I like the pain. I like the struggle. Life seems so boring and bland without it.
Dont bite into it, I tell myself while checking if the person is online again, trying to find an excuse to spend time. I just wanna find out who they are, but thats not it is it? I dont Know.

Again im at a crossroads. Follow the temptation or stay in my low path. In the normal path, the simple path, the one that is safe, yet not so rewardable.

Maybe Im just bored. Thats what I always think when I come upon crossroads like these. Im just bored, looking for something new. Im not interested, just want a quick taste, and then back to the safe life btu that isnt how life works, is it? Life is harsh and linear. Maybe Im just bored.
But the honeytrap is tempting.