My personality is asshole (cleansing this world)

Hiding behind harsh words,
I cover my heart to prevent upset.
Trying to survive the imminent threat,
not realizing my heart is dead.

A terrible little person,
a terrible big failure.
whose presence, talk,
or even hug, no one can endure.

Telling everyone that its just my brain,
that I am just that tiny bit insane.
But inside I know too good,
that I am the one to blame.

Hiding behind an excuse,
to be a terrible person consequentless.
Insulting people, masking it as jokes,
leaving my heart senseless.

Not human anymore, just a shell,
that only harms the ones it meets. 
I should shut up, but I keep going,
destroying every heart that beats.

I will stop, will make this monster shut up,
punish it for what it did,
make it relive all the pain it caused,
make it whine like a little kid.

Make it scream in agony,
make it bleed for all the pain.
Make it feel where it was empty,
make it human again.

Then I will release it,
to the final escape of death.
Regretting what it has done,
with its every final breath.

For that I deserve this agony,
for that I deserve this pain.
For I only did bad,
without me this world will be sane.

untitled #2

I bolt up when I look at the clock. Again I slept too much.
Used to having only a few minutes to get ready I jump out of my bed, starting to pick up some clothes from the ground just to decide to wear the same as yesterday. A quick glance in the mirror assures me to skip breakfast, as the fat aquired during the past few months could probably bring me through the next month or two without me even slightly looking thin.
I push my laptop in a bag, my keys in my pocket and I'm off.
Headphones blasting music in my ears help me to cope with the world around me while I feel like everyone is judging the fattie sitting on the tram with two bags.
As I arrive at uni I try to pick a place that hasn't too much people crowed there. I often succeed since no one wants to sit in the front, and so I spend the next two hours listening to mathematics that I already know, turning my pen around in my hands and checking my phone for messages that wont come because why would anyone text me?
When the class is over I slowly put my stuff away, bracing myself for the social interaction I am about to encounter, just to decide that today, I won't annoy anyone, that I won't waste anyones time with my existence.
I almost run to my next class, I catch a glance of the people who I spent my evenings learning with, hear their laughter and look at the ground so that no one can see the tears standing in my eyes again.
Weak.
I choose a place so far in the back that I most certainly won't see the blackboard but seeing it wouldn't change a thing anyways since I am just a stupid kid that won't achieve anything in life either way.
In the front I can see the back of the heads of people that I know. I would assume they are looking for me, but since I know how useless I am I am sure that they are relieved that they don't have to be around me today.
I barely listen to the lecture as I am trying to hide the fact that tears are almost streaming down my face. It's good that I picked a place this far back, no one is looking at me anyways.
After the lesson I freeze as my friends make their way up the stairs, ´before I hide beneath my table as they are looking around. I wait a few minutes until I am sure that they are gone before packing my stuff and quickly leaving, trying to think of a place where I can learn without bumping into anyone (aka annoying them). The library seems like my only option.
I quickly put my stuff in one of the lockers, only taking my folder and laptop, and hide myself for the next few hours between maths and science, desperatly trying to convince myself that I am not as stupid as I tell myself that I am.
Late in the evening I come home, after another exhausting tram ride full of people that were pressing against me. I pick something from the fridge, I don't even care, indulding myself in calories as my brain turns off for a bit. Thank god for eating disorders, although I'd prefer if I could purge but I don't wanna strain my relationship with my roommates even more. Maybe I should try throwing up in plastic bags again as I used to do at home and in my old flat, but where would I put that stuff?
So I just gain more weight, become more of a ball and hate myself more.
It's midnight when I am able to start gaming. Some people are online, I am talking, but I am constantly scared of someone getting mad at me, or even worse, me getting excited, happy and people muting me because I am just so annoying. It happened before.
I play shit, as perusual, ending in a depressed episode with tears streaming.
"I'm going to sleep, thanks for the games" I type in the chat before turning off Teamspeak, turning off the internet on my pc.
I know what I am going to do, it's obvious. But I try to delay it either way, staring at the silver metal laying beneath my computer screen. As I slowly grab it I catch a glance at my reflection in it, a fat face that is even more puffier due to crying.
As I place it on my skin, knowing that I deserve this pain, I cry once more only to be quiet and just feeling my deserved punishment.
I watch the blood pouring down my arm for a bit, if I even was able to get that deep, before trying to patch myself up, going to bed and falling asleep after crying some more, clutching my dog toy wanting it to be a human that could ease my pain for a bit.
But I am alone.
And always will be. 

Destroyed emotion

I have become a monster,
when I chose to numb my pain,
by destroying my heart.
Because I couldnt stay sane.

Being human destroyed me,
so I destroyed what was human.
But now having emotions, love,
is nothing that I can. 

Small heart,
shivering in my chest,
surrounded by a cold deep darkness,
torturing it without rest.

It has been a slow process,
the darkness crawled from its little spot,
through my veines everywhere,
making my emotions rot.

Overtaking everything,
that was human about me,
leaving a broken dark machine,
that is what I have become to be.

It is screaming so loudly,
sometimes I can even hear it,
screaming and crying out of pain,
but I dont care the tiniest bit.

I walk around,
surrounded by a cloud of night,
the madness coming from no control,
lights up my eyes so bright.

No one walks close by anymore,
people have left me for good,
my hearts screams even louder,
but it cant destroy my mood.

It draws red lines on my skin,
but they just add to my dark look, I smile.
Now everyone will think I am mad,
that i am disgusting and vile.

I think I might even be happy,
if I only could feel. 

What I Would Have Done

Dear Grandma.

You died 2 weeks ago.
I didn't know about it.
I moved out, away,
broke off contact but a bit.

"I need to inform you that grandma died.",
Mum I know you meant well saying this,
but why wait 2 weeks with it.
Is it because you know I wouldn't miss, her?

And I don't what went through me,
hearing this final message yesterday.
A bolt of sharp deep roaring pain,
suddenly my life was less okay.

I just sat numb there, tears rolling
over my cheeks, a deepening sadness,
emerging from my soul, shaking me trhough,
until it left my insides a mess.

But why is this happening,
I wonder, I barely talked to her anyways?
A few words, a few smiles,
and then we went our ways.

I know it was wrong,
but I thought I had time,
time to later repay,
that we had another day.

But I didn't, I know that now,
and it hurts so much more,
knowing what I couldve done better,
what I did wrong.

I wouldn't have ignored your calls,
talked to you more than 07:13.
Wouldve remember to record that song,
you and granddad sang when I turned 18.

Would've made memories,
instead of hiding away.
And now my insanity,
takes another part of my day.

I should've been a better grandson,
or better, granddaughter,
me being special,
just caused so much slaughter.

I wish I could've been a better grandkid,
grand ma, I am so sorry.
But now you are hopefully at peace,
in a place without worry.

I hope that I can make you proud,
watch me slay at life.
For you I will try,
to fight my demons with knives.

Grandma, I am sorry.
For I was wrong.
Because I still have time,
but not with you. 

Asexual

As our lips touch,
forgotten thought,
emerges from my brain,
as if im getting caught.

I know what it is,
that I tried so hard to forget.
That I cried so often about,
that filled me with black regret.

That little huge thing,
that makes me so weird.
That huge little thing,
Like a girl with a beard.

I feel his heart beating,
his hands are shaking,
as they find their way on my back,
his emotions raging.

But my heart is cold,
I feel the warmth, yes,
the physical reaction,
human reaction, happening controllless.

But I don't feel the love,
I dont love him anymore.
Never had, never will.
Its more like im bored.

I know its a mistake,
but im just trying to be nice,
although I already know,
this mistake comes with a price.

Ill rip apart his heart again,
but Im to weak to forsaken him this,
he's my only friend here,
so I gave him this kiss.

Feeling nothing but regret,
and fear of what is to come.
Because I dont love him.
And I never will.
Because I cant. 

What do I feel

Five am, laying awake,
my last message was, 
"if something happens, 
remember, that I love you"

Is it love that I feel,
is it regret that I destroyed,
the last person that I "loved",
I'm confused, broken and annoyed.

I can't figure out what is happening to me,
as tears roll down my eyes,
is it love that I feel,
or just the loneliness inside?

Haven't had a hug in weeks,
craved one for months on end.
I left home and all me friends,
now all their love is sent.

Another tear rolles down my cheek,
I feel the coldness grabbing me,
help, help, my mind shouts,
as my happiness deceases to be.

I feel alone, I am alone,
I need some love so desperatly,
but too afraid to ask for some,
I die slowly in my room locked by a key.

My minds a mess, I grab the knife,
I try to cut through this dark mean mind,
fulfilling its deepest desire,
until it finally becomes so kind.

To give me just that bit of peace,
that bit of quietness,
that bit of sweet sweet sleep.
Until the next day. 

alone and in pain

Far away from home,
laying crying on the ground,
covering my mouth with my hands,
blocking out the sound,
of my internal pain,
fueled my loneliness again,
I am trapped in my mind,
full of thunder and rain.

Rolled up, not able to move,
my little heart is getting torn apart,
I can't do anything against it,
depression is hitting me hard.
It is ripping into my soul,
bloody pieces laying everywhere,
another crying sound escapes my mouth,
its not like anyone cares.

Music blasting loud,
so no one hears me scream.
Yet I hope someone would come,
but no one will, so it does seem.
I am alone, in pain, again,
always am, always will be,
its not like at any point,
someone will care about me.

Silver metal ripping into my skin,
the darkness is getting what it needs,
red blood to satisfy its hunger,
its doesnt care that someone bleeds.
It just wants to destroy a soul,
and I am the victim, I guess thats good,
so noone else is getting tortured,
so noone else is in a bad mood.

I am crying, screaming,
yet I cant make a sound.
Always in pain, its okay,
the darkness now is bound.
No one else has to endure it,
just me, over and over again,
but I am used to this,
Im used to being alone and in pain.